Jan. 8th, 2006 | 10:46 pm
sheesh. some people just don't know when to quit; do they?
i'm at the end of yet another chapter, just smirking at the ashes... a disaster, well done! jubilation! rejoice! fuck yes!
i don't really understand it either; but i always find myself enjoying this part- for some secret, sacred reason.
anyway, i am happy for now. man, it's about time too... because i deserve it.
thank you <<< to my real friends.
i dreamed the most wicked girl fight ever. not only did i lose, but my parents and brother took their side.
you know, since the day i fed megan glowiack that dog biscuit in the fourth grade, i've never done anything to intentionally harm someone else. i won't doubt that there have been many occasions where i accidentally told a secret or somehow hurt people inadvertently. and i can't deny that many people interpret my actions in an entirely different realm of moral differentiation and logic.
but it's always been my life goal to make other people happy, as i've found that my own happiness is wholly unattainable when the people i love are unhappy. they say it's a simple fact of life that you can't make all the people happy all the time, but i still find that so hard to believe. and, so, i constantly grapple with my lack of success as a friend, my inability to understand and my my impotence to facilitate positive change.
at the end of the day, i struggle with how to live with my failures. is my life worth living if i can't achieve my one goal? will i one day learn the trick to it all or will i continue to ruin everything i touch?
and perhaps the most frustrating part is the girls who take such pride in tearing me down, seem to have no qualms about it. they are content with their lives, with themselves. they revel in their success when they hurt me, when they ruin something of mine. and the more pain and destruction they leave in their wake, the surer they are that they are on the right path.
i can't live with the failure of my good intentions.
and can't seem to help breaking their own moral codes.
of course, the best part is, they grow stronger and closer in ranks every time i fail.
i envy them. i really do. their happiness, their carelessness, their ability to blank out their morals in order to build their self-esteem.
for what it's worth, i'm glad they can ignore all the horrible things they've said about each other in the past and find friendship in one another again. i'm happy they can forgive all the treachery and indiscretions and trust one another again.
i suppose, some of my greatest successes in terms of making others happy come from my own greatest personal failures. i guess i'm good for something after all.