November 9th, 2005

sqeez

my dad: the savior of giftmas

i dreamed there was a little caesar's in river falls mall. i didn't stop to eat there. there may have been signoids in the ovens.

i dreamed about sailing a boat from eagle creek resevoir to that fancy pants place my brother paints houses at in castleton. i didn't get very far. instead of one sail, there were like two half-sails on either side of the mast. i held on to strings attached to the lower corner of each. the sails were all twisted around the mast at first. as i tried to untangle them, my brother kept telling me i was "doing it all wrong." he also yelled "port! port!" every now and again, but the strings on the sails didn't allow me to reach the rudder. it wouldn't have mattered anyway, i had port and starboard reversed. when i got the sails straightened out, the wind caught them and the boat flipped over it's nose. then my brother, dressed in all black motorcycle gear (much like that one silly picture of the dude on that stupid playground springy toy), jumped his motorcycle into the lake and landed on the bottom of the boat. god only knows what happened after that...

xxx

i'm back into study mode. god, what a bore. i've had my nose in this stupid geology book for two days now. i've still got to write a couple of papers or biographies for my lecture class too. needless to say, i'm not nearly as motivated as i was at the beginning of the semester and that paper on the hubbert peak is almost certainly never going to come into existence. no doubt, i will scribble some trash about james hutton: the father of modern geolgy instead. whatever.

in other school-related news, my dad rescinded his statement that "after this semester" i would be on my own and clarified himself to mean "after this school year" instead. this was a pleasant turn of events, as i could in no way afford to take more than one class in the spring semester without my parents' help because i received no financial aid this year and i really don't want to take out another loan already.

that said, since my savings are no longer allotted for that one class, i can now lavish my friends and family with spectacular giftmastm presents! i am so very excited about this. of course, i did a little looking around today and realized that i have no idea what to get for anybody. that part is a little less exciting.

oh yeah. i am actually looking for and applying to jobs, but the jobfront is spectacularly uneventful at this time. that's ok. i'm enjoying my time off. ;)
reach for the sky

i definitely miss the indy def squad

most of the time, i hate this city. i hate its sprawling empty mass. i hate its stop lights and road construction. i hate its traffic jams and conventions. but at night, on my bicycle, i feel like i own every last inch of it. i want to explore it. i want to learn to love its secret places.

it's funny, in the car, i'm closed off from the things around me, isolated, but i feel as though i'm trapped. on my bike, inches from the pavement, with the wind in my ears, i am engulfed by them. immersed in them.

but i'm freed by them.

tonight, i felt alive again. sure, i felt like i was dying, but you have to be alive for that. and i was. and i felt like i could beat the pain. i could plow through the wind. i could force the breath into my lungs. i could force my legs to keep pedaling. i could shut out all the i can'ts and i don'ts and i trieds. it wasn't even i could or i should or i will. it was just i am.

and i was. i did.

tonight, i will beat this insomnia and i will sleep like the dead. because, today, i finally moved on like the living.

i am pure, unadulterated, motive power when i want to be. and the harder the work, the more rewarding the rest.

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it was damn cold tonight (google says 46 degrees fahrenheit.), but i couldn't tell until i stopped. i wrecked my muscles and my digestive track, but i didn't notice until i stopped. so, there's the trick.

don't stop.

xxx

big ups to speedway for hooking me up for free air when i guess it's not actually free anymore. and mad, mad props to the guy who helped me put air in my tires after i somehow deflated them completely. (40 minutes of strenuous exercise kind of does a number on my brain function.)

also, a couple of really close calls and miraculously lucky escapes have me thinking my night vision is even worse than i imagined. (while i've always imagined it was pretty bad, i also always thought i was really just imagining it.) i came fucking centimeters away from wiping out over a curb in front of the god damned dorms as i was trying to speed past a herd of guys lurking out side. i totally thought there was a ramp. there wasn't. also, there was gravel. it would have been such a bad wreck, no way i could have ridden home or probably even walked.

jesus, i'm fucking lucky.