September 5th, 2005

blue stars

(no subject)

i've finally started recycling. you see, my apartment complex offers recycling bins, but they're over at the leasing office and they're not all clearly labeled. any of you that know me at all know that it doesn't take much to make me self-conscious. so, it's no surprise that having to sort my recyclables in front of my entire apartment complex is no easy task. however, with the recent influx of newspapers into my apartment (due to their free distribution on campus), i felt i could no longer stiffle my global responsibilities with my personal insecurities. therefore, once a week, i haul my recyclables across the complex in the middle of the night. obviously, i circumvented my insecurities more than over overcame them. still, i havn't quite figured the whole system out, yet. to be honest, i find it quite embarrassing that i can't figure out what bin to put what in, but, in my defense, it's pretty dark over there.

hey! i just found a place at which i can recycle all my old computer hardware and my cellphone.

by the way, you all need to be keeping the same cell phone as long as possible or at least recycling your old phones. the waste of consumerism in developing countries is financing civil war and killing mountain gorillas in the the congo. (read about it.)


i got one last lecture from kradams the other day. it's such a mass of inconsistencies, that it's not even worth examining here.

in any case, i'm just glad that, after several weeks of me not responding to her, she's finally taken the initiative to "delete [me] from [her] life and past." and, of course, she just had to send me one last message to announce that fact.

i'm glad i can examine other people's actions in order to better direct my own. i don't ever want to be so petty, so spiteful and, comparing this situation to the last, i think i've definitely made improvements in that department. kradams has made improvements too, but (at least from my, obviously biased, point of view) she's still got a way to go. however, i am impressed that she didn't tell me to go kill myself this time around.


paint_the_girl invited me to her daughter's first birthday party, last week, by way of late-night voice mail. i never called her back to say i wasn't coming. the situation left me quite uncomfortable.

as i've discussed here before, i'm not one to forgive and forget. and, certainly, i'm not one to just forget altogether. so, it just seemed incredibly odd to me to be invited to a party by a girl who swore she'd never talk to me again and who emphatically stated that i was forever dead to her and her family.

maybe she forgot. maybe she was going to apologize if she'd gotten me on the phone or once she'd gotten me to the party. i don't know. hell, maybe she was going to get me there and demand an apology from me. the only way to know is to talk to her, and i've yet to do that. (have i mentioned my fear of phone calls?)

you know, it just seems to me that, if during your last (probably one-sided) conversation with someone the words hate, death, or bitch were involved, the first words in your next conversation really have to be directly related to those first words--either in continuation or conciliation. there really is no one in this world for whom i would just outright forget such an outburst.

i should just call and see what she was thinking, but i'm in no mood to be yelled at again and i'm not entirely certain that i won't be.


i went to that russian party with my brother. at first it was really awkward--everyone else was russian and was speaking in russian--but it ended up being a pretty good time. none of those cats could dance, but they all danced all night and i completely respect that.

i decided it was best not to drink vodka with a bunch of russians. that was definitely the right decision. i did, however, drink german beer and, though it was warm, it was pretty good.

one thing i don't like, all those russians had like three names each. we went with paul, whose license plate said pahan and whose friends called him pasha. it was really confusing. maybe i need more names--a name, a nickname and an american name. hmmm...


other randomness...

...i think i have the flu
...i like not having to drive my car everyday
...i really don't think they should rebuild new orleans
...i bought a new vacuum--i don't think my old one worked at all
...i never knew shopping for pillows was such a complicated process brother made me clean out my car the other day and i felt bad for not recycling the water bottles
...i really must washed dishes today
lonely girl

oh what fevered dream is this

cold sweats and nightmares. i can't deal. it's one of those days that i jsut want to go home and have my mom take care of me. but home isn't home anymore and my mom never took care of me when i was sick. i tried to take geology notes but it was one big jumble of words that spell check didn't recognize so i gave up. i almost finished washing all the dishes. i can't remember the last time i had them all clean at one time. it's been months. i put one of those jugs in the toilet tank to save water when i flush. sometimes, it seems like i haven't peed enough to merit flushing. i felt guilty, so i rigged the jug. maybe i shouldn't pee 20 tiemes a day. i'd probably save a lot on toilet paper too. my friend's little sister once told her it wasn't environmentally sound to use more than two squares of toilet paper. that's rough. i wonder what happened to her. she's probably married. breaking news for some big gannet paper. or maybe having babies. it's hard to say. i should be better at keeping touch. i should just answer my phone. sometimes, i use this as my social contact. i blame other people for not taking the initiative to be involved in my life. i'm a fucking jerk. i like watching west wing. i hate how the french jerk looks like the boy. i kick myself for all the mistakes i made. kradams said she knew i didn't ever mean to kill myself or i would have done it by now. she calls it all a cry for help. i dunno. here, i write about it when i think about it. i don't write about the things i did. i came close a couple times. the comas and the car accidents. you can't say i didn't try. really, it's just another thing i'm not very good at. sorry. i'll do better someday and they'll all have their wish. i kid. i'll never be any good at it. i never could do this free writing shit. i think to fast. or i write to slow. i think i've thought a thought ten times before i even know i've thought it. if that makes sense. my new pillows are too fluffy. they make my neck hurt. the headboard blocks the window so i can't open it. i'm going to miss the fall breeze. but not so much the crickets or the neighbors. it's just so hard to breathe tonight. i don't understand. slow and hot and heavy. it aches behing my eyes. and my neck. i always think i have menengitis when my neck hurts. hypochondria. paranoia. i never have anything of any consequence. i'm getting really riled up about enviromental geology issues. i think that's great. but bad too. passion is never good for me. don't let me change my major or anything crazy. regulators. mount up.