July 13th, 2005

beach silhouette

i'm in no mood for witty subject lines

i really haven't made many great strides in my battle to overcome depression. arguably, no such battle exists in reality, rather only in the idea in my head that i don't want to be so fucked up all the time, yet i am powerless/too lazy to combat it.

anyway, the point is, i have been making a lot of progress in coping with the illness. now, i know, treating the symptoms is no cure for the disease, but at least this way i'm doing pretty well not to further compound and exacerbate the disease itself.

i've been through some pretty rough stuff lately and, despite the fact that i desperately desired to, i held myself back from essentializing the rest of my life to these few terrible moments, from ruining the future by dramatizing the now. maybe it's just a testament to my profound lethargy or maybe it's a subtle sign that i've regained a small amount of control of the synapses in my brain, but i only acted on one of my recent "bad idea" compulsions--and i've had many! (to be honest, i feel it had more to do with enjoying it at the moment than using it as avoidance therapy. of course, it's easy to rationalize bad behavior when you're depressed.)

i read something today and my first reaction was to be offended and to get upset. thankfully, i've learned from dealing with pixylayne, paint_the_girl, fa1ry_g1rl, _anyday and kradams and i know better than to get all worked up over unverified conclusions. sure, i'll have an argument in the works if i should find for certain that it was directed at me later, but for now, there's no use getting pissed. there's no point. it wouldn't change anything. and it's so lame to get pissed off at something that wouldn't piss you off it all if you had all the facts in. such a waste of time and thought. and what a downer!

i guess i'm gradually coming into that philosophy of life that my dad is always encouraging. "what's the big deal? who's going to really give a shit? what's the fucking point?" as you can imagine, though, the transition to indifference is quite difficult for a passionate gemini such as myself.

in other news, i've been driving uninsured for a few days. fucking idiot <a href="http://www.allstate.com/LandingPages/auto/q4auto.aspx?src=GOO&Campaign=222220000002420&CMP=KAC-Google-G3&att=all+state+insurance>allstate </a>agent... the day i bought the jeep, i told the dude i had speeding tickets on my records still, but he informed me that i did not (presumably through defensive driving). today he called to tell me i could not get my own policy (separate from my parents') because i have <b>3</b> tickets that will remain on my record until the end of the year, and they will only allow 1 on a new policy. how these 3 mysteriously surfaced over the weekend intrigues me (especially since they can't be the 2 i just got a few weeks ago). i also don't understand why the question of my driving record wasn't the very first issue in our initial conversation. VIN numbers and good-student discounts don't mean squat if you're not going to take my business based on my own personal reputation anyway. god, maybe i don't even want to do business with a company that's been insuring me for 7 years but has no reliable system for keeping track of my information. whatever... interestingly enough, while talking to my insurance agent on the phone today, i drove through a red light where a cop was directing traffic. for once, the gods were smiling and i drove through unpunished and unscathed. note to self: stop buying fUFOs, start buying groceries.
in the mix

whistle posse pump it up

i'm not nearly as excited about the line-up this year, but i think i probably will go to whistle again. i'll definitely work it out so i can stay up there at least one whole night this time. it would be cool to actually see dj icey for once. hatin'-ass fool.... and i don't care what any jaded raver says, i still like glaude, funk and feelgood. lately, i've also been getting into angel alanis, but i really have't heard too much. definitely something worth checking out in my book.
a tree falls in the forest

"i am mother teresa"

i really wish hatter716 (also elichandler) still kept up with lj. in this completely roundabout way, i was just reminded of the first skate video i ever watched and it brought back all these excellent memories of him (and a ton of other kids i never talk to anymore). i miss him a lot, but i don't know how to reach him anymore (even though i'm pretty sure he's still back in madison).

sometimes, i wonder if, when i die, word will spread like cancer via lj and email or if it will trickle down over the years leaving some technologically disadvantaged and far removed acquaintances wondering, "what ever happened to that amanda chick?'

i guess that's morbid.

sometimes i get excited about going to see big name acts like john b, reid speed, dj icey and dieselboy i guess just for the notoriety of it, because, honestly, if it's not house, it's probably going to get on my nerves at a party (much like it does at home). still, semi-cross-country road trips are a great excuse to get the hell out of dodge and enjoy my new car and i like that a lot.