i woke up to this groggy sort of underwater feeling in my head. i could hear er playing in the distance. i try to turn my head and open my eyes but i can't move at all and suddenly this electric shock sort of surge overcomes me. i'm struck by panic.
then i wake up to that same groggy feeling. i here er. i can't tell if it was a dream before or if i fell asleep and woke up again. slowly i turn my head and open my eyes. everything is swimming. even the sound. control of my body is so loose and so exagerated that i'm not sure i'm really in control. or if my thoughts are just reactions to the first signs of moovements. i move to sit up and rech out to check the time on my cell phone. again the surge engulfs me my body lurches forward and to the floor. i want to break my fall on the ground but it's like one of those inbisible fences; my elbows are locked at my sides and my forearms go no further away from the body than a 45 degree angle.i hit the floor face first and a blinding shock of pain trravels down to my toes.
i wake up. sitll groggy. i'm in my bed. i must have dreamed it. i can feel the surging, but it's not so intense. i reach for the phone again. my arm goes up but the more i extend it, the further away the shelf seems. all the whle i'm falling again. this time i land on my back. blinding shock.
i wake up. still surging. i know i must be dreaming. but always when i realize that i get control back or i wake up. i'm not waking up. i reach the phone this time, but every button sends another big surge. i only last three digits.
then i'm in bed again. i'm panicing. hyperventilating.i can feel the sweat on my neck. the path of every tiny bead is electrified. it's like i have a million nerves to every one that i should normally have and they're all sending signals at once. i dial the number of a boy who was likely to sitll be awake at this hour. my sister's answering machine picks up. i try to scream and yell for help. it feels like tiny electric wires have locked my jaw and tied my tongue.
i wake up hearing muffled mumbling and realize it's me making the noise. i must finally be awake.i try to move but the blinding pain returns.
i wake up. i'm too scared to move, to even make a sound. i can't stand another round of that white hot pain. i think, "this is it, amanda. you've really gone and lost it this time." i know if i don't really wake up this time i'll never be able to. i'll be trapped there by the fear forever. i'm so overcome with fear and anxiety i'm think the trap may have already sprung.
i open my eyes. the surging is there but less intense. more like my whole body fell asleep, a billion pins and needles. i make my way to the computer desk and turn the monitor on. no shock, no pain. i feel like i'm really in the waking world now, but i notice that my thoughts and movements are considerably slower than normal. except in times of complete exhaustion (such as the drive back from philly and the drives to and from wichita), i always wake up instantly and completely. this half-sleep feeling is so foreign to me i fear i may still be weaving some intricate story line in my subconscious.
i'm afraid i'll never really wake up again.
i terrified to think i've been asleep my whole life.
(typing with my eyes closed, will edit tomorrow.]