July 2nd, 2005

don't assign me yours

loose transcriptions

7.01.05 2.18 yo, amanda, what's up? like i can't believe that you wouldn't answer my fucking call. i'm so drunk on my 21st fucking birthday and you woudln't answer my fucking call. like me and eli and sk8rock are in the fucking bathroom in fucking marsh on my 21st fucking birthday. and you won't answer my fucking call cuz you'd rather be with some fucking asshole that you just fucking met for some fucking house shit... i consider that really fucked up. listen, i'm all down for meeting some people...but ignoring your fucking friends. you're fucking boy. thats fucked up. you know that. real fucked up. so don't fucking bother fucking talking to me again unless you're talking some friend shit alright. so fuck off next time you wanna talk to me. that really actually hurt my fucking drunkass fucking 21st birthday feelings.. fuck off i'll be with eli alright. fuck off.

7.01.05 2.33 oh my god baby. like it's my 21st and i can't believe you're not fucking answering my fucking calls like i'm really fucking like tore up about this shit cuz i'm... fucking drunk but. like its my 21st birthday and you didn't even look out for me alright .... i think that's pretty fucking fucked up. so, baby, baby just fuck it alright. i can't believe you did this shit... you don't have to worry about this shit from now on, alright? my fucking 21st fucking birthday and you can't even fucking help me out and fucking look out for me. fuck it alright. fuck it.

7.01.05 2.46 listen, amanda, i gotta be quiet. because eli said i gotta be quiet... you fucking left us for some fucking dudes alright listen. thats some really fucked up shit that you did. like i know were not together but i'm still your kinda dude or whatever... oh let me look around real quick. oh listen we're fucking not together. you fucking left me and my boys for some jerk ass fucking dudes. i'm drunk as shit on my 21st birthday and you're supposed to be my half-assed girl but you're not alright. you're fucking not... you're acting like you're not my fucking girl and we both know that we're like i'm your like your half-assed fucking boy... i don't even know what to say at this point. like you left me. me, which is like i'm like your... i'm sorta your boy... whats even more fucked up is that you left eli too. you fucking left your fucking brother here with me... i hope you understand what the fuck you've fucking done, alright? you don't have to tell me chill alright. chill... i really really really expect some fucking apologies tonight. its my 21st fucking birthday and you left me and shit alright. you left me on my fucking 21st fucking birthday. you left me and eli and fucking sk8rock in the fucking parking lot.. please, please tell me you're sorry or else fuck it. i'm gone.

7.01.05 3.03 baby, it's so fucked up that you won't fucking answer my calls on my fucking 21st fucking birthday. like i hope you hear this when you're fucking sober and realize what the fuck you're doing. its my fucking 21st fucking birthday and you won't bother to answer my fucking calls. with me and your fucking brother and sk8rock stuck at some fucking bullshit inn because you don't wanna kick it with us. it really fucks with me. it really fucks with my heart. it breaks my heart because you'd rather fucking get in with some bullshit fucking scene kids. in the fucking house scene. ..trying to make a name for yourself with some fucking house kids like i don't know. i know its cool to be in some scene and shit. but fuck dude... fuck that baby. baby... cuz what you're doing like i love you so much but what you're doing right now is so fucked up that i don't even wanna love you. cuz i do baby. i don't know what's going on cuz i'm so drunk and its my fucking 21st birthday and you don't even want to fucking hang out with me on my 21st birthday... i hope you really fucking feel bad about that shit cuz right now i'm laying in some fucking grass in some fucking hotel. who knows i might go to fucking jail tonight cuz i'm so drunk and i don't have you fucking looking out for me like i fucking should. that's really fucked up. you better have a goddamn fucking good excuse for not looking out for me tonight or i'm fucking gone. if you don't have a good excuse don't fucking talk to me again i fucking mean that shit too.. my fucking 21st birthday... fuck you bitch. alright you fucking hear me. fuck you bitch. fuck off and fucking die. gone.

7.01.050 5.59 baby like. like. baby like. i don't even know like. you fucking broke my heart so bad. will just give me a call back please. like i don't even fucking care what you have to say just fucking call me back. please just fucking call me baby...really fucked up.. call me back. bye.

7.01.05 6.03 baby like i love you so much just like umm like whatever. fucking call me. i don't care if i'm asleep or not. just call me and wake my ass up just fucking talk to me and see what the fuck happened cuz... should have been my best fucking birthday ever. its my 21st birthday. me and eli and tyler. and you fucking ditched us. fucking just call me. just call me. and fucking say what happened. say you fucking love me and all that other shit. right now i don't even know i'm so fucking drunk i just feel like i feel so fucking betrayed so. i know it's dumb shit to feel like that but fuck it baby like. like i feel like a fucking asshole. like i feel like the biggest fucking loser ever getting ditched on my 21st birthday. so just talk to me please. i'm not going to ever i'm not gonna call you again ever. so call me baby. tell me whats up baby please. i'll talk ot you when you call me. bye.

7.01.05 6.11 baby like i don't know whats going on right now like we had to get a hotel room cuz you left us. like me and eli and fucking tyler. fuck it like i'm talking to my mom right now on the other line. she's getting ready to call me back but like just call me alright please just call me and talk just talk to me. please.
broken wings

fracture site [miraasan]

the prescribed anorexia has decompensated into willful bulimia.

if i haven't had a breakdown yet, i can feel one is not far off. locked inside this apartment, i find myself in the mirror again, staring at a stranger. i am trapped like a deer in headlights. then i see it; i'm shaking my head. i glance at the clock and calculate the time i am missing.

another break in this broke down palace.

it's not that i want to die. it's just so damn hard to find a reason to go on living. i mean, i just can't win. no one can, of course, but other people seem to be ok with that. me, i'm stuck trying to find a reason for it all.

i finally made the empowered choice to stand up for myself and get out of a bad situation. i have no qualms with that choice, whatsoever. i wouldn't change my mind if i had the opportunity.

but it doesn't change the fact that choosing my own happiness always seems to entail the implicit choice of someone else's unhappiness. my personal satisfaction is so quickly overrun by the guilt of causing harm in every personal relationship i participate in.

yet, i still try to determine my own self-worth through the the positive effects i have upon other people's lives. we all know how completely unrewarding that path was.

if i could just stop straddling the fence on this, i could be ok.

but i don't think i'll ever change.