May 2nd, 2005

sqeez

hewe comes twouble

so bad boy bill was awesome. vision was a pimptastic club. chicago is a sweet-ass big city. it sucks we had to pay $24 to park for 6 hours, but at least we found a place not too far off to park.

there were lots of creeps at the club. lots. it was really weird. but i had a good time. a blast, in fact. the bad ass bitches were way to effing hot. though, in my opinion, they seemed a little lazy.

staying up for 24 hours was not the most enjoyable experience. being sick didn't help. talk about total exhaustion. phew.

i pretty much slept from the time i got home sunday morning until i called into work this morning. more sleep is certianly on the way. the hypochondriac in me thinks maybe i have mono, but i've had that thought a hundred times before. fuck it.

so like a day after i got new brake pads and rotors, some cylinder burst in my rear wheel. i drove on it for a while, but eventually i lost most of the brake pedal pressure. i took neo geo in on saturday to have that checked out. they had to order the part so they couldn't work on it until today. but, as it turns out, '97 geo metros are pretty unique. it's the last year geo made them before chevy took over. i'm told the year doesn't even exist in the parts book. also, it's the one year they made left and right cylinders as opposed to univeral cylinders. and, there's something about them being 5/8" while everyone else makes the part 11/16". so, anyway, i'm just shit out of luck for a few days while they wait for some other part to ship in and try. totally cool.

i guess it's time for a new car. i'd really prefer to get a new new car as opposed to just a new-to-me car, but i'm sure that won't happen. i don't have enough cash to put down on anythihng new and i ain't even tryin' to get into a five-year payment plan.

jo3's mom sent me an email. it kind of weirded me out at first, but there's really no reason it should have. i guess.

i had to cut the sleeves off yet another cool shirt that someone got me just because i'm so broad-shouldered. i hope it doesn't piss them off, but there was no other way around it. at least this way i can wear the shirt.

i'm going to start playing ddr regularly again. i'm not sure where or when yet. probably just sundays to get started. so if you're ever in indy and in need of a good work out, gimme a ring.
sqeez

social theory

it's amazing to me how quick people are to go on the defensive. and beyond that, too; to the irrational offensive. we've all been guilty at one time or another. some grow out of it, some learn from it, some only get worse over time.

we all have our sore spots. our jobs, our children, our families and friends, our bodies, our sex lives, our educations. the easy thing to do seems to be to just simply avoid prodding people's sore spots so you can then avoid all the drama and the fallout. however, i appear to be incapable of this abject avoidance.

i feel our sorest spots stem from the things in our lives we consider most dear, most important. and, perhaps, the importance weighing upon these things clears the path for inherent insecurity. self-confidence is a trait lacking in all the world today and it is evidenced clearly by our inability to accept even mild criticism or just plain observation on our choices.

now, we come back to the question: why the fuck does it matter what anyone else thinks, if you're happy with the decisions you've made? ah. it's because you are not happy. or, at least, you are not sure you are happy. you need reassurance and affirmation from your peers. but happiness and satisfaction are not things another man can give you. they come from within your self. i suppose, again, the lack of self-confidence comes into play here.

in any case, i sure do wish none of my friends would ever need my approval again, so i could stop pissing them off by not offering it. and i wish the same for me as well. i know i can be quite a burden at times.

speaking of friendship, i've been encountering some odd derivations over the last year or so. to me, friendship is something you offer to another person on certain terms (or perhaps unconditionally). whether or not this other person chooses to accept it should have no affect on the degree of friendship, at least not in my book. i suppose, now, that could be one of the initial conditions. however, this seems more like a trade/barter/exchange than a gift of friendship. and, as i see it, friendship is a gift for those you care about.

there are people, though, who will try to manipulate you into feeling guilt for not needing them or their friendship in your life. some will even instantly rescind their "gift" and offer instead blind, irrational hate and anger in return for your refusal. obviously, it makes no sense to me.

expectations play such an important role in relationships. many of my "friends" are constantly disappointed in me because i do not choose to live my life as they live theirs. they will never accept me for who i am, until i am exactly as they are. i will always care for these people, but i do not expect to ever understand them. i certainly don't expect them to ever truly care for me, or even understand that they are more users than friends. i do hope they learn, so that our relationships can progress, but i do not judge them harshly for choices i would not make. i only adjust my interactions to protect myself. i suppose that may seem as an unfavorable judgment to some, but i wouldn't doubt that those same people change their behaviors around certain people as well. (locking your doors in an unfamiliar neighborhood, for instance.)

...

i find it interesting that the people who seem most irrationally afraid of harsh judgment are the ones who feed most desperately on like-minded affirmation.