April 27th, 2005


amanda miller and the new exhaustions

maybe someone will make me some chicken soup today, so i will feel all better.
[i'm not aware of too many things]
or maybe not.
[but i know what i know if you know what i mean]
law of the excluded middle for all you logicians out there.
[philosophy is the talk on a cereal box]
no offense intended. just the plain and simple truth.
[religion is the smile on a dog]

as if all the sleepless nights and long days weren't enough,
[i'm not aware of too many things]
this cold-hearted bitch of a spring has also thrown one last chest cold my way.
[but i know what i know if you know what i mean]
mostly, the symptoms are bearable, but if i try to speak, eat, drink or breathe much the tickles in my throat turn into a long fit of deep, raucous hacks,
[choke me in the shallow water]
not at all unlinke matthew stewart's zealous laughter or the honk of a goose.
[before i get too deep]

today was supposed to be a big study day.
[what i am is what i am]
i had a dream about my discrete math class last night.
[are you what you are - or what?]
we had to answer questions from my textbook as part of a jury selection process.
[i'm not aware of too many things]
the lawyer told me that exactly half the book was lies.
[but I know what I know if you know what I mean]

i also dreamed about lucas last night, daniel from pistol city and the girl (lori?) from the world affairs seminar.
[philosophy is a walk on the slippery rocks]
gymnastics world, wichita state and gay pornogrophic music videos.
[religion is a light in the fog]
i found chuwie, beatfreak and spooge playing playboy pinball at the campus-wide dance for black students.
[i'm not aware of too many things]
a little white rabbit bounced around in the machine in place of the multiball function.
[but i know what i know if you know what i mean]

i watched oprah at work yesterday
[choke me in the shallow water before i get too deep]
the girl on the screen, it was me.
[what i am is what i am]
the people watching were disgusted.
[are you what you are - or what?]
so was i.
[don't let me get too deep]
lightning strikes twice

best friends for ever. friends for never. [miraasan]

we're both guilty. still in love with what we thought we knew (but didn't). we were never in love with who we really were.

i loved what i though you could be. i loathed what you became.

civil acquaintances aside, i don't see the point in trying to force an honest friendship where one never really existed in the first place. as always, my mind is open for anything. there's no telling what changes are yet to come. but there's no need to suffer the drama hanging on to the hope of a chance.

whatever will be will be.

you talk about still being friends like we used to be.

can we still be friends like we were when i admitted my sins and you lied to my face? or when you stole from me? can we hang on to what we were those nights that you cheated on me? do you really want to stay in a place where you take the most sacred and important aspect of my life and use it to hurt me out, just of spite?

gradually, you're coming around to the idea that i'm not who you thought i was. maybe someday you'll also see that neither of us was who we said we were or who the other imagined us to be.

we pretended to have a friendship then, because it was easier than telling the truth--to eachother and ourselves. it's always easier than the real thing.

risk nothing, lose nothing.

we can always be at that level of friendship then, if that's what you choose, but the real friendship, not the show. my life is all about honesty now and you can love it or leave it.

never again will i compromise who i am for who you think i should be.