April 21st, 2005

sqeez

what's with today, today?

sure, no one went to the hospital today, but it was still such a horrific day for me. i cried in front of patients and in front of the other nurses and techs. i spent my lunch break bawling in my car.

fuck. i'm crying again, right now.

i tried to fight back the tears while i pretended to take vital signs by imagining the sweet release of blowing my brains out with a hand gun when i got home. over and over again. it helped a lot. but then i ended up crying because i can't believe i let all these stupid things make me so upset.

i mean, i guess i don't really want to kill myself because some twat patient doesn't like the way i follow procedure or because i accidently left a clamp open and sprayed a little blood on a machine or because i forgot to push some meds that didn't apparently matter anyway.

they're stupid little things. and in the grand scheme of it all, i'm doing just fine. but you know me and all the little things. we stick together. we never forget and we never let go. i file them away and then all of a sudden i realize my cabinet is full and the last little thing i tried to stick in there pushes them all back out. they explodes like these stupid fucking pimples i keep getting lately.

what a mess.

i have the same headache that got me the pills that landed me in the hospital. i know better than to go that route again, but i won't say at least part of it isn't appealing. (and that part is certainly not the hospital, by the way.)

i guess i'd just like to take this time to apologize to myself for taking things so seriously, for giving a shit if i do a good job, for not being able to pay attention or remember anything important and, most importantly, for being so incapable of change.