April 8th, 2005


what's up, doc?

well the first available doctor's apointment (for a new patient) is may fucking 16th! let's hope i don't die before then. (sweet! i just had another little heart-jobber. that makes about five today. grrr!)

anyway, thanks for all the support, advice and encouragement regarding my health issues. it feels good to talk about it with people, even if you are all hundreds of miles away.

i'm almost a full-fledged dialysis technician. next week is my last week of training and then i'm out on my own. ironically enough, today was the first day i encountered machine issues that i couldn't troubleshoot on my own. totally lame. it's really stupid they don't bother to train techs (or nurses) about the finer aspects of the machines. troubleshooting often becomes a gusesing game and that's not something i like to do when i'm responsible for someone's life. whatever, though. i'll figure it out i guess.

ben and pixylayne are going through some tough stuff with ayden right now. my first instinct was to call to let them know i'm thinking of them and would gladly help in any way i could, but i've yet to dial those digits. part of me doesn't want to call because i know i'm the last person they want to hear from. and part of me doesn't want to call because i know people get sick of those calls at times like this, because there's nothing anyone can really do for them. it's like trying to talk to someone's parents at a funeral; words can't change what happened. i dunno, maybe i'm just a jerk.

social anxiety

i'm not sure if it's even possible, but i feel like i am most socially anxious when i'm alone. that doesn't even make sense, really. i just feel like, if i'm around people, i can half-commit to things and gauge reactions on my first steps before i go all the way. i can even go back and say "jsut kidiing" if something i say flops on the audience. but, when i'm alone, i have to face my own judgements and, being the bipolar freak that i am, i tend to disagree in thought with my actions a great majority of the time.

i set out today to go to a certain store and spend a little money on myself. i get to the turn off, but, all of a sudden, i can't follow through. instead i pull into block buster to legitimize the trip in the socially acceptable realm. it was bad enough that i went there even though i meant to go somewhere else. who would know? who would care? but THEN i bought movies to legitimize the fact that i went in there at all. what the shit? eventually, i went to my original destination, because i knew how ridiculous this whole ordeal was. and it was fine. and no one cared. and no one even noticed, because, SURPRISE, no one gives a shit about this little life of mine.

i keep thinking to myself that i could overcome all of this in time. i mean, i understand all of my issues. i know where they come from and when and how they'll hamper my life. i know how to deal with the consequences of the sickness, but i just don't know how head them off. i'd like to think i'll figure it out. i mean, i seem to have figured out how to surpress all the suicidal thoughts and most of the generally depressed ones. maybe i just grew out of all that teenage angst. maybe i'll grow out of this too.

it seems like it would be nice to just take some little happy pills and quit fucking up my life. but, i'm afraid if i get medicated now, i'll never grow out of it; i'll never learn to cope with it on my own. maybe it's not something i can learn.


stop worrying, amanda. just shut up already!