January 22nd, 2005

point & click interface


i didn't sleep very well last night. i had a lot on my mind.

work is phenomenally boring today. the only people in the lab are the poor suckers coming in to check oncourse and find out their classes were canceled today. i'm really glad i don't have to drive to campus anymore.

[edited] remember when pixylayne used to sit in the parking lot and cry because she couldn't find a parking space at school? i never had that much trouble at iupui, but it was a bitch anyway.

speaking of pixylayne, it was her 21st birthday yesterday. i refrained from wishing her a happy one, since that somehow makes me out to be more of a bitch than if i pretend not to care or remember.

i'd like to go out tonight. movie. dinner. drinks. something. anyone interested?

FYI: the donnie darko director's cut is playing at cinemark movies 8 now (greenwood corners 1848 east stop 13 road, indianapolis, in, 46227. i recommend everyone look into it at a theater near you.

dang! i work five days next week. god, i forgot how much it sucks having a job.

bored. bored. bored.
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she doesn't

he was referring to robots, but isn't it true of men as well? [miraasan]

"she doesn't love you. she loves what you do for her."

maybe i'm just a cynic, but i think maybe this is true for most people i've encountered. i'm not sure if i'm included in that. obviously, i'd like to believe i'm not, but i'm too biased to judge for certain.

certainly, my three great loves turned out this way. i grew unhappy in the trappings of my relationships, but i never loved them any less. i didn't want to suffer, but i also didn't want them to be responsible for any drastic measures i might employ to escape the pain. i told them i needed out to be happy. they preferred a disfunctional romantic entanglement, in which they all seemed perfectly content, to my independent happiness.

if they had really loved me. my happiness would have been supremely important to them. instead, they loved having a girlfriend, having a backup plan, having sex, having someone to buy them things, having a free ride.

arguably, i should have sacrificed it all for their happiness. so, there it is, i'm in the same boat as those boys. i tried. i sacrificed a lot--everything that was ever important to me--but i drew the line at my actual physical life.

it's one thing when a mother risks her life to save her child in danger. it's complete different to throw away your life for someone living comfortably.

but those mothers and their children. that's what love is. it's hard to find love like that outside of your bloodline (and for some people, within it as well). and no one can afford to love many people equally in such a way. it's too great a burden. eventually, a heirarchy must be determined, because there will come a time when a choice between any number of them must be made.

but i know that love exists romantically as well. i see it every day. partners do have to make sacrifices for and compromises with one another, but not such great ones that the joy of making some one else happy can't overshadow their loss.

real love is being happy you can make another person happy.