these dreams are just beyond bizarre now. last night i dreamt about the new willy wonka with jonny depp. too crazy to even begin to describe.
last night was one of the lonliest nights i can ever recall. i miss jim an awful lot.
school starts on monday. i'll hear about my job prospects on monday. i've just got to hang in there a couple more days, then i'll be busy, busy, busy.
i'm going out tonight. hopefully that will be a pleasant distraction.
been writing emails
to a friend in haiku form.
may try that here too.
i feel sick today.
just call me sneezles. achoo!
and hand me kleenex.
my electric bill went up $20 to keep it 60 degrees in this tiny apartment for one week. that's like a 50% increase.
i can't wait to file my taxes this year. i refund check would be most choice at this point in time.
it looks like maybe i won't be able to go to school full time this semester if i get that dialysis tech position. it's practically impossible to find evening classes that i actually need to take. i found an online geology course that would have worked out but the wait list is 12 people long. plus, i hate geology.
if i take second semester japanese, then i can't take calculus. and if i take the job then i can't take my education class (a prerequisite for admission to the teaching program). so, this semester i will be making almost no progress toward my degree in math.
if i don't take the job, i can't afford to live here and go to school at the same time. but if i do take the job, then there aren't a lot of classes i can actually take.
i guess that puts me right on track for my succeed a semester, waste a semester college career track.
at least i'm getting by, right? at least i'm living my life on my terms. at least i haven't been backed into something by decisions other people have made for me or mistakes they have made.
despite my total lack of control, only i can claim responsibility for this life.
i woke up this morning with a smear of blood caked on my lips reminding me of that awkward kiss goodbye and that foolish fall on the sidewalk as i pretended not to be watching his tail lights shrink and turn away.
he said, "you don't seem like the marrying type" and, though i agree, i find myself wanting to disprove him. i'm shying away from my inclination to allow myself to be infatuated with him simply because he isn't infatuated with me and i know there's no hope of a successful relationship, but i won't pretend the urge isn't there.
i'm always trying to break out of the form in which people envision me. it isn't because i'm trying to be something and their limits hold me back from that goal, it's just because i don't ever want to be what people think i am. i don't want to believe that i'm so easy to interpret and understand.
if they tell me i can do something, i won't do it. what's the point in proving what everyone believes to be true? but if they tell me i can't, i'm determined to prove them wrong. the problem is, they all think i'm so talented and capable. aside from my pre-calc teacher, i can't remember anyone who's ever told me they didn't think i could be successful in any endeavor i chose.
so, i've chosen nothingness and failure. and i'm more successful than they could have ever imagined.
thinking hard on this, i wonder, if someone--let's say, my dad--told me he'd given up hope of my ever obtaining a degree or maintaining gainful employment, would i set out to prove him wrong or would i give up the fight? it's hard to say. i can really see it going either way.
and there's the problem with determining self-worth and self-image through other peoples' perspectives. maybe no one will ever say the right words. maybe they'll come at the wrong time. maybe i won't be listening. maybe i just won't hear them at all.
i should just decide what kind of person i want to be ideally and strive to be that. i should appreciate those who appreciate me and ignore those who don't. i should hope to influence others to embody my ideals, but i should not judge those who do not.
so, to what ends does my spirit aspire?