January 7th, 2005



well, jim just rolled out of town a few minutes ago. i decided to suck it up, be a big girl and actually say goodbye to him this time. i couldn't say goodbye to him or sarah when i left the dorms. i didn't want to admit that i was going home for all the wrong reasons. anyway, it somehow turned out to be less sad to say goodbye this time.

i kind of wish jim had been able to meet some of my friends and my brother while he was in town, but that didn't really work out. oh well.

we did go to the argosy casino. i lost all my money. in fact, as i quickly lost my $20 in a slot machine, jim said, "i think you just burned that twenty faster than you could have with a lighter." and it was true. jim was up $200 or so. at the end of the night, he gave me a dollar and i managed to turn that into $21.50. i think i could quite easily slip into a gambling addiction, as i don't even think of my winnings being something i want. i just get the feeling i'm in an arcade and i should keep pumping money into the machines until i just don't have anymore. i mean, i was actually frustrated that jim's $1 kept winning for me. it just meant i had to keep putting money back in the machines and keep playing. don't ever take me to a casino again, please. i had a lot of fun, of course. but it's just bad, bad news.

last night, we went to see the aviator. and despite it's nearly 2.5-hour run time, i somehow managed not to fall asleep. i still hate leonardo dicaprio, so that made it a little difficult to stomach, but i have always been interested in howard hughes. it's something about that spruce goose...

but, if any of you have seen that flick, could you tell me if the greens (in the beet field and of the peas on his plate) seemed terribly blue to you? i don't understand if that was supposed to be some sort of effect in the movie, but if it was, what in the world is it supposed to convey?

anyway, as it turns out, indianapolis is kind of boring to visit in the winter unless you want to go to a bunch of stuffy museums. plus the weather blows. luckily, jim shares my futurama addiction, so he didn't mind staying in bed most of the day and watching episodes of that. he also caught all my stupid futurama jokes and analogies in the real world. pretty cool.

it's funny, i was pretty sure i'd never see jim again after i left wichita. and i was certain of it when he moved back to nebraska. but then here he was. two years later. life is just full of surprises, i guess.

and it was totally sweet how we just caught back up to speed after just a few mintutes. if you'd have asked me last week, there was no doubt in my mind that jim's entire visit was going to be stilted, boring and awkward, but it wasn't at all. hell, i didn't even get annoyed with sharing my one-bedroom apartment with him 24/7. this is absolutely amazing to me. maybe it's just because jim is such a nice guy. or maybe it's because i've grown up a little. or maybe it's just because there was a fixed end to his visit in sight. i don't know. but i am really glad it all worked out. i had a blast and i think jim enjoyed himself as well.
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feet on the floor

think before you speak [miraasan]

when i met jim two and a half years ago, he told me he used to be overweight. and he told he was anorexic for a long time.

when i knew him then he seemed pretty average physically. tall, but not too skinny. not a lot of muscles, but not too much of a beer belly either.

at some point (i don't know if it was before or after (hopefully before) he told me he had an eating disorder) i said something to jim about how he'd look a lot sexier if he toned up a little. i vaguely remember it.

it wasn't a big deal. i mean, obviously, what the fuck to i care about boys with muscles? and jim was hardly unattractive at the time.

but now it's two years after i left jim in wichita, and he still remembers that one silly sentence.

after dinner last night, he told me that, if he were at home and had just eaten a big meal like that, he would have gone straight to the gym afterward to lift weights for at least a half an hour. he used to just run, but he thinks the weights are a healthier outlet.

i'm not going to lie. jim does look better now than he did then. he looks healthy, but, given his history with anorexia, i'm not sure he is. so i was really torn about telling him i thought he looked good. i didn't know if telling him would encourage bad behavior. and i didn't know if not telling him would make him think he needed to try harder.

my only real experience with friends with eating disorders is saying the completely wrong thing at the absolute worst time. and, apparently, whatever i said to jim two years ago was one of those things since he brought it up several times.

i wish i were more careful about the things i let fly from my mouth. i know how much it can sting to hear things like that from people you consider to be your friends, especially when you're already down. those words stick with you forever. it's worse than a seed of doubt. it's like a weed that you just can't find the root of.

"what a waste of talent."
"completely unattractive in every way."
"i never loved you anyway."
"you disappointed us all."
"i expected so much more from you."
"you were the only one out of that group i even considered close to a friend."

i don't know if it's possible, but i wish i could find the right thing to say to jim now to nullify whatever i said to him two years ago. i'm tired of making things worse.
point & click interface

back home again in warren, mi

1. Go To Mapquest.com
2. Click on Directions
3. Enter your Current Address and the Address of your Childhood Home (or at least the town if you don't remember the exact address)
4. Put the time and distance in a post like this.
5. Don't forget to repost these directions. (Not the door to door ones!)

Indianapolis, IN 46202-2966 --> Warren, MI 48089, US
Total Est. Time: 5 hours, 12 minutes Total Est. Distance: 328.02 miles

despite the fact that i couldn't remember my house number, those directions took me just half a block away from my old house. it stopped at the corner of burg and engleman. we lived on burg. our friends steve and kristen lived half a block down engleman. my first boyfriend kurtis lived just next door to them. litte ceasar's pizza was at the end of the block.

my brother was a safety (a crossing guard) at that burg/engleman intersection. i slipped and fell on the ice one year. my lunch spilled into the road. the nurse checked my butt to see if i hurt myself. it always creeps me out to think about that day. i don't remember her getting fresh with me, but i sure didn't like her putting her damn hands in my pants.

good old peck elementary where we ran laps in gym class to the ghostbusters theme song. where some older kids spray painted a big 8-ball on the front facade. where i spent my summers at peck rec.

i loved warren so much. and i hated madison with just as much passion.

and while madison feels more like my hometown than anywhere else now, it will never feel like home the way warren did. it's the first house i really remember. it's my first friends and my first boyfriend. it's my first day of school and my first favorite teacher. it's the first of my birthdays i can recall. my first pet. my first bicycle. my first sled ride.

it's just about my first everything.

too bad you can never go home again.
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point & click interface

wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

i tried the new cherry vanilla dr. pepper. pretty good. not as vanilla-y as i would like. in fact, it's pretty much like cherry coke, which i already enjoy. i need to do a more discerning taste test to see if it's all it should be. because real cvdp (with syrup shots) is the bomb, baby!

i also sampled the diet version. blech! i hate nutrasweet so, so much.

and i would just like to say that it's completely unfair that my body's inability to process caffienne and corporate america's desire to almost exclusively produce caffienne-free varieties of poular sodas in diet form alone leaves me stuck with the choice of drinking something i either won't enjoy drinking or something that will hurt me pysically. or, i can always drink hi-c or water. (the taste of sprite also sickens me.)


you know, i think i've finally conquered my predeliction toward infatuation. we shall see.
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    postal service