January 1st, 2005

sqeez

happy effing new year

i get the impression that people think it's a bad thing
but
--aside from the eat better, work out more, do good in school, don't quit my job--
i don't really have any resolutions

i'm super happy with my life

oh
well
maybe
stop driving drunk

but i wasn't really drunk tonight
maybe too drunk for open containers though
i don't know what the law is
broken wings

it's about her, but it's about me too. i can see that. [miraasan]

busy little bee tangled in her web of misery. with every step she makes, she only finds herself more entrenched. she flaps her wings so furiously that she bats away all helping hands. she wants out, of course, but she can't do it alone. every attempt to help leaves her worse off than the last. the only chance for rescue is someone battling through some tough blows to reach her. but they're all put on the defensive from the rebuke of their first efforts. no one loves her enough to endure the arduous journey. and, even if they did, they'd run the risk of letting her suck them in. they all love themselves too much to let that happen. she is self-destructing.

why do we hate those who want to help us?

everything i do these days is just an effort to find an excuse. the drinking. the driving. the drugs. the sex. the fights. the classes. the jobs. i want a legitimate reason to end it, because general dissatisfaction doesn't derive enough courage to drive the blade deep.

i miss having a reason to be a good person. having friends to fight for me. before, i wanted people to love me more so i did more. but now i know that love is fleeting and superficial, so i can't find a reason to be anything but gone.

i'd wish my death would bring new meaning like those that changed me, but i know that no one would find it. i wish i could reach them. show them. but so many people are against my views, i guess that i must be wrong. there is no place, no peace, in this society for people like me. it's not that i think i'm special or that i've got some gift. in fact, i think i must just be handicapped. ill-suited for adaptation to a bleak and dismal fellowship of men.

what is the world coming to? or has this always been?
point & click interface

prima facie

i used to write like no one was reading (because no one was). then i wrote like i didn't care what people thought (because i didn't). i miss the things i used to write then and the way the words poured out. i had so much to say and it meant so much to me. it's so helpful to have an accurate journal of the true and honest thoughts of your past. my memory fails me with out some gentle prodding, but there's no denying the ink and pixels.

i still don't care what people think of what i say. i will always be more aware of my faults than they could ever hope to be. but i find myself holding back here now. i can see the misinterpretations arise before i can even finish the sentences. and i'm not interested ir running the same circles. so, in apology for their weaknesses i shroud myself in ambiguity and omit vital information.

i don't want to look back and wonder what i meant.

so all the deep stuff is migrating to a new journal. if you find it then it proves that you care enough to want to know (and possibly that you also care to make me suffer all over again). if it finds you, then you'll know i care to let you in.

i think it's important to share these things with the people in my life. and i want to do so in a completely free and uninhibited forum. this is obviously no longer the place for that.

however, you can still catch my day-to-day rambling here on swellivisiontm.

don't think i'm running off to talk shit about people behind their backs. i think we all know i don't hold back in that department. i just want to expound upon the events in my life and the thoughts in my head. (stay out of my life and you'll never find your name on these pages or those again.)

you could say i'm hiding. maybe i am. i just think i'm starting fresh. it's no secret. if you want to know, all you have to do is ask. my life is an open book, but library cards are issued through me and me alone.

it's a new beginning in a new place for a life headed in a new direction.

happy new year.