December 24th, 2004


dream diary

for those of you who seem so entertained by the fact that 1) i remember my dreams at all and 2) they are so effing bizarre, here's the contents of last nights dreams.

grocery shopping with killbot and my sister at at the madison walmart for skim milk, bread and salad tongs. my sister assuring me that blueberry muffins will totally pass for jim henson's muppets. jo3 putting on cologne that came in a bottle like aftershock. actually, it was a tiny bottle in a huge bottle with some other medium bottle inside too. i couldnt' really figure it out. it glowed like flourescent blue in a black light in regular white light. i tried to pretend i didn't totally spill it while i tried to put the bottles in the bottle, but i had blue all the fuck over the place. ben came to pick up joe and take him to madison but then stayed behind while jo3 and pixylayne drove off. i kept telling ben to leave as i paced through the apartment but all he would say was, "you're not allowed to protect me." thur was sitting in the apartment observing, but always in the other room. "he's right you know," he'd yell from behind closed doors.

later, i was on some sort of military mission to save time with kradams. creatures sort of like the predator were running around going all invisible and what not. i had these little pill bug creatures that allowed you to see through objects that you threw them on. only you could use these three-foot tubes like a telescope to see through that object from any other place at all. i had to shoot mortar shells at the creatures, but i was actually just throwing them. later kradams helped me use my telescope tube thing to shoot them. i was really good at hitting bad guys, so i explained to kradams where i was aiming. and she said, "OH! i was aiming at their bit patterns!"

as it turns out, the time was actually this cake pan full of blue fucking glitter.
don't assign me yours

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind [miraasan]

just a quick flick of the wrist and i could end it all. it was the ice and the snow. the glare on the window. changing the radio station and making a call. maybe they'd always wonder, but at least they'd have a way out. an option that allowed them to pretend i haven't been begging for this all along.


when are they going to realize that i have zero self-respect. nothing i do matters to me at all. i'm a slave to the moment not to the future. most of what i do, while enjoyable at the time, is really just a not-so-subconscious attempt to set myself up for something that will finally legitimize my one not-so-secret wish.

he thinks the night we shared together was something special that brought us closer together. he doesn't realize that if i got pregnant from stupid, unprotected sex with him, that would be all i need to get serious about the end. i wouldn't tell him he was going to be a father. we wouldn't have a totally madison wedding. i wouldn't ask what he thought i should do. there would be no question.


i didn't mean to hurt him that night. it never even crossed my mind. as it started, i knew that it was going to be trouble, but i guess i thought i would never let it go so far. historically speaking, i definitely should have known better.

but it just goes to show you, a night of sex is a night of sex. it's irrelevant whether it's with the boy who loves me unconditionally or the boy who finds me completely unattractive in every way.

i've told him that i don't want a relationship with anyone anymore. and, if i did, he would be the last person on earth. but he doesn't hear me. he doesn't see what i'm doing with my life. he's in love with the concept of who i used to be and who i could be again.

"I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours."
blurred horizon

there's no trusting anyone [miraasan]

he lied to me about where he was going.
he lied to me about who was taking him.

i'm sure he'll say it was retaliation for my lack of respect for him. or that it was none of my business where he was going and with whom. [though, he should have just said so if that was the case.]

but i think it's just further proof that people don't want the honest truth.

they want what's easy.

so, who's disappointing whom now?