December 16th, 2004

blurred horizon

seeking reassurance [miraasan]

as i sit here haphazardly studying for my logic final, i let my mind wander off on tangents of academia. i've realized that, while i don't usually need to attend classes for their instructive benefit, i do need regular confirmation that, yes, i do get it. even when everything makes perfect, logical sense to me, i never feel at ease until someone has assured me i am on the right track.

why do i constantly doubt myself on even the most trivial matters? why can't i just believe that i am intelligent?

i told joe recently that, though i firmly believe i am better at speaking japanese than everyone else in my class, i'm still afraid to speak in class because i fear that i am wrong. how can you know that you're right and still fear you are wrong? that doesn't make a damn bit of sense.

anyway, i really need my dad to walk me through this stuff today. i verily regret wasting away all our time together yesterday. and now we are both busy this afternoon.

you set them up. you knock them down.