December 6th, 2004

point & click interface

/me vomits

finally made it back to japanese class after a two-week haitus. fever hit about three minutes before the lecture began. ears started ringing twenty minutes in. managed to tough it out for an hour when a convenient opportunity to leave arose.

i feel like i'm trapped underwater. every movement of every muscle is met with fierce resistance. words echo in my mind and sentences overlap into infinity. my straight paths drift left and then right again with the ebb and flow of non-existent currents.

wah. wah. wah. she says.

a lot of people seem upset with me today. they've discovered i'm not what they thought i was. but i never promised to be anything. this is where the road of lofty expectations leads. i guess we all have to learn for ourselves.

i think maybe i kind of don't really care, which leads me to believe i'm diving into another cycle of depression. i suppose this can be confirmed by other shitty things i've been doing with great fervor lately. oh well. ebb and flow. yin and yang.

all the thoughts are gone. they swam away. flushed clockwise from the bowl, leaving only pristine porcelain to mock me.
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point & click interface

thanks for all the well wishes

clean, sanitized hugs to you all.

i think i truly know now what hot tub lung is. this loud, productive goose cough can go to hell. my stomach aches from too many coughs and too much getting sick. i don't think i'll be doing any crunches this week.

someone was speaking japanese in my dreams. i forget what it was all about. makudonaludo perhaps.

i can't keep anything together today. it seems with every breath my thoughts escape me and a new batch arrives. instatly they take over my mind in a seamless transition. it isn't until i reread what i have written here that i realize i've changed topics again.

there's a store (delia's?) carrying an orange crush t-shirt. i would like it for giftmastm.

i love crushing. it's hot. everything is new and exciting. mysterious. playful. i'm over serious. perhaps i will just crush and play from now on. sounds much more fun. much more safe.

and then when i am ready to settle down, i will marry whatever fool will have me. i will raise his family and he will take care of me.

god, do you see what you have done to me?

i need to eat. you gotta eat. but i don't want a repeat of lunch.

maintenance man is here. hooray. i thought for sure he'd come while i was sleeping.
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fevered dreams of hot tub steam

sat in the bath tub for a while today. tried to sweat the sickness out. i thought i was awake but maybe i was sleeping. i know no one was there but still i saw his face. he spoke to me but i could not hear him. lapping water and dripping faucets echoed in my head. too much like a movie, it must have been a dream. his eyes, like his ink, like my thoughts, green with envy. even without the sound, i heard what he said. and that feeling wells up inside of me. passion maybe. lust probaly. greed. hunger. power. yes, power too. it boils up from my stomach, leaking out through the arteries as it rises. but still it spills out from my eyes. a frantic flood of invisible bliss. of course i can't see my own eyes but i know now that this is how it feels. it being the thing they always try to describe but never seem to grasp. deep, they tell me. alive. beautiful too. but powerful i think. it's in these moments i know i can get what i want. and i do. i'm surprised that i believed him. i don't believe much of anyone about much of anything that matters to me anymore. but i could see that he meant it. at least he thought he did. and, well, i meant it too. it feels good to be amazed. satisfied. maybe he hasn't ruined me afterall.
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    woah. uh oh oh oh. a woah oh oh oh oh.