November 25th, 2004

ice princess

gratitude

at a time when i should be thankful for all the things i have, i think i am actually most thankful for things i no longer possess or shoulder the burden of. although, i suppose, with those losses came many new things--insights, understanding, priorities, realizations, solidified virtues and beliefs--and i am very grateful for those gains.

i look around me at the people of my past and see that they are growing too. i am thankful for that. but i am sad that they have not grown as much and must therefore remain just the people of my past.

only... why should i be sad? these people have nothing to offer me but heartaches and headaches. there is no benefit for me, besides companionship, in befriending them again. just as they offered me nothing more than that in the past. i guess i am sad that i could not help them. i could not teach them. i could not love them enough to be worthy of their love.

really, i'm just disappointed that they're not the people they have the potential to be.

but we all have our own ideals to live up to. and i have no right to ask them to live up to mine instead of their own. still, i wish everyone believed in basic human goodness and the golden rule instead of the me-first-right-now attitude so prevalent in the world today.

i am thankful that all these people--these pieces of my heart--are safe and happy. i am happy they have learned something from their mistakes, even if it was just the first chapter in a growing novel.

and as for the things i do have... i am thankful for the new friends i have made this year. the new lives in my pseudo-family. the old friends who've stayed in touch and the ones who reconnected. i appreciate the support of my wonderful family who puts up with my constant need for guidance and reassurance scholastically. i'm thankful that i have a place to live and a car to drive.

maybe what i'm really most thankful for this year is the person i've become. i feel i have finally achieved independence in every aspect of my life. not to say i don't have a lot of support. just that i no longer have crutches. i am free of addiction and compulsion. and, while it's a little heartbreaking to watch the lofty ideals of youth peter out, it's entirely invigorating and exciting to step into adulthood feeling self-assured, grounded and totally prepared.
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    cold / introspective