November 8th, 2004


i've never heard it before, but this song seems appropriate

i wrote some things for myself yesterday, but i thought i'd share one line here. it seems an apt comparisson to the things i do. the choices i make.

it's like watching two trains collide while you're standing at the switch.

i'm always asking myself how many times must i fall down the same hill before i learn to look where i'm going? i thought i'd learn for sure this time. but here i am again. every synapse in my brain screams for me to stop, but i'm compelled to go running headlong again. despite every logical piece of thinking and every scrap of mounting evidence against it, this still feels like the only right decision i've ever made.

i have to wonder if this is simply my greatest ballet of self-destruction, though. because this time, well, this time is it. if it breaks again, i won't put the pieces back together. and, god knows, no one else will do it for me.

didn't i tell myself i would do this? it is a circular reeducation in the only lessons i've ever learned, the only lessons i never follow.

what am i doing?

this time, whatever i get, i deserve it. eyes wide open. walking on my own. no one to blame but myself.

  • Current Music
    tycho - a circular reeducation

prescription writing

before last year, i fell in love everyone i ever met. i'll bet you don't believe that. but you don't understand my love. for the most part, it was unbiased, though, if i had to choose between my mom or some jerk off in my math class, i would probably choose my mom. the point is, if i had to choose between helping one of the people or not, it really wasn't a choice. i'd throw my whole life away for these people if they needed me to--even if they didn't ask.

i don't know why i'd do it. because i could i guess. because i was grateful that these people were in my lives because, knowingly or not, they taught me things about the world and about myself. even the jerk offs in my math class taught me lessons that still stick with me today (like not calling people jerk offs in math class so i don't seem like a stuck-up bitch).

and maybe too i feel guilty for having it so easy. for being able to see the answers when others can't.

and it's possible it's all just an elaborate scheme so that i will have noble excuses for my inevitable shortcomings. it's easier to trip myself and be ready for the fall than to be surprised by chance on down the road.

i guess it all comes down to that we're only as strong as our weakest link business. i don't believe i have any more right to the things i have than anyone else. if anything, i believe they deserve them more. and we all know what can of worms that opens up, so let's just leave it at that. but the point is i don't want to be happy when people i know are sad. in fact, i don't even see how that is possible, but people do it every day.

so, for whatever reason, i've always felt like i had the whole weight of the world on my shoulders. in the emotional apocolypse of 2004, i broke that habit for the most part. now it isn't the whole world, but just my pre-2004 friends and family.

and this seems like a good thing, but i don't think it is. because the reason i don't care about new people is because i don't love them. i try really hard, but i can't seem to care about them at all. sometimes i loathe them for even being a part of my life because i just fucking know that they will hurt me. where i used to treasure the lessons to be learned from all people, i now despise people for being able to affect me at all.

it makes me sick to be so closed off, but, gee, i sure am safe from heartbreak. and isn't that what i wanted? yeah, it was. at least, i thought it was.

damn it, this isn't going where i wanted it to go at all. i quit. more later...
  • Current Music
    ian pooley - bay of plenty