November 7th, 2004

sqeez

stream, no, ceaspool of consciousness

it's like watching two trains collide, while you're standing at the switch. sometimes, i'm not sure i know the difference between right and wrong anymore. i just want things to be easy. not easy to do, but easy to live with. easy to think about. i don't want to spend the rest of my life racking my brain over whether or not i made the right decisions. i live in my head with a hundred other boys and girls and that's as close as i get to real life. i replay all of our encounters in every possible way and find that it doesn't fucking matter because none of it is real. i'm still here and you're still a million miles away. silent. distant. cold. i think i made the right decisions, but i'm still not living the life i imagined. maybe it just isn't possible. maybe i should settle. i don't regret the things i've done. none of them. but i regret that the outcomes are so terrible. but i can't control the rest of the world. so what am i to do? i could give up on ideals. i'm never going to change anyone or anything. certainly not the whole world. i wish someone could change me. i wish i were a writer so then these rants would be insightful and entertaining instead of the same tired, pessimistic bullshit. i want to be able to do the right thing from the very instant i know it is right. i don't want to have to fight myself over it for it. i had my hand on the door and i couldn't go. i should have just gone. it was the only thing to do. to make things right. it was the best thing to do. but i couldn't make myself do it. i remember the first time i overdosed. i could feel the sickness coming, but i couldn't move. i called my dad. but all i could tell him was that i was staying home from school. so i had to deal with it alone. to cope with it alone. i pretend it's easier to be alone because then i'm never disappointed in the people i love. but it's all a lie. i'm always disappointed. and it's never easy. i long for the numbness that the old habits brought, but i don't indulge. i don't know if it's better or worse. it still hurts. just now it's sooner instead of later. i'm tired of searching for peace. for answers. for love. i guess they don't exist. i don't know. it's hard not to be pessimistic. i just want comfort. even if it's just the comfort of the same old shit. i'm not afraid of having my heart broken again. i don't think i know how to be in love anymore. maybe i never did. and who cares? it's all just chemical reaction anyway, right? i'm tired. tired of trying to live up to what everyone thinks i can be. because i honestly don't think i can do it. but i try because i care. i aim to please. and never fail to disappoint.
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