September 22nd, 2004

point & click interface

a. h. musings

when i dissect myself
my faults
i'm obsessively depressed
i should find something better to do with my life

when i observe your life
and determine that i don't want to be like you
and don't need you in my life
i should look at myself before pointing fingers

i can't win on your terms
but, of course, you don't see that
all you know
is that with me in the picture
you can't hide the bad things that you do
the monster that you've become
and in your eyes
that's my fault

but why should i apologize
for contemplating my place in society
i only want to function better in it
and help those around me to succeed as well
we are the sum of all parts
as strong as our weakest link

i do not regret that i have but one face to show the world
only that seeing you
and your stubbron refusal th change
takes the smile from it

i rejoice in the fact that i have nothing to hide
--not even from those who wish to hurt me--
that my life under lock and key
is only to protect you from yourselves
to keep your monsters at bay

i insult you with the truth
because you refuse to admit
you are a walking contradiction

jokes we once shared
are found offensive
by people who don't know a damn thing about it
the punchline hasn't changed
but, through them, the humor has
any excuse for hate, i suppose
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ice princess

a thousand reflections in a carnival hall of mirrors

always with the "terrible mother" bullshit

i did not say a fucking thing about how she is raising ayden at this moment. i didn't even say if she didn't change it would make her a terrible mother or person in the future.

all i said is that i hoped she would change. and i still hope she does. why perpetuate bad behavior when you have the opportunity to change it? why allow your children to see you be hateful to anyone?

ayden was the first child of friends that i had ever known, so he is very important to me. regardless of whether or not ben and pixylayne allow me to be a part of his life, i am still very interested in his life. i am very uninterested in watching his parents make careless mistakes.

but i don't impose my opinions on them. i don't harass them by telling them what i think they should do. i don't tell them they should read my journal because i think i've got important views on their situation. they read of their own volition. i choose to write my private thoughts in a public forum. they choose to pay attention.

i am truly sorry they cannot accept my right to hold an opinion on whatever i see fit and my right to speak my mind wherever i choose. i respect theirs. i allow their comments. i welcome them.

but they don't comment on the things i write per se. the comment on the character they have made me. and they transform my writings to fit the part.

jo3 always assumes that i hate him. (oh, i wish that i could!)
fa1ry_g1rl always assumes that i want ben. (i don't.)
pixylayne always assumes that i think she's a bad mother. (i never have.)

but none of those things are true. and i have never said or written them (except perhaps for hating joe, though i did not mean it). but, again and again, they come up in our conversations because that is all they will allow themselves to see. those lies make it easier for them to excuse the terrible things they do.

but that's just my opinion. and if they hate me so much, why do they keep giving it so much weight?
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super student

i fucking love my japanese class! so far i only missed 1 point on all the quizzes (from the first one, which i had to take early) and today i got extra credit on my homework for having good penmanship.

me? good penmanship? i know! it's unbelievable!

i glance around the room sometimes and see the sea of red ink spewed across the papers of the other students. i don't understand it. so far, the class has been strictly memorization. there are no concepts to understand. but they fail miserably. i pity them. and i pity their lack of desire to apply themselves.

once again, i count my blessings of intelligence, logic, adaptability, etc.

i'm a firm believer in the idea that, if you're going to do something, you should do it all the way (or do your best at it). i'm trying to avoid my previous tendency to just not do things because i couldn't give them my all and, instead, learn to better multitask and manage my resources so that i don't have to give up old things to excel at new ones.

to me, the things you do and they way you do them reflect on who you are as a person. it sickens me to see people who are ok with being classified as lazy, hapless or careless. i mean, shouldn't you want people to view you in the best light possible?

but it's all a matter of what you value as important in life. and, in that regard, to each his own. i accept that people may choose to live in any way they want, but i can't help that it still disgusts me.


so i've got my first logic exam tomorrow. i feel completely under prepared. but, yesterday i did finally figure out a problem on the board, so i feel like something must have clicked somewhere. tonight will be a long boring night of formal proofs. bleh!

stats and programming both seem to be going smoothly, but i don't yet have any grades in those classes to know for sure. i feel very comfortable with the material, however, so i will not worry. yet.

this has been the first semester in a long time where i have been almost entirely stress-free. it's a good feeling. i hope that it continues for many semesters to come.
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