July 7th, 2004

sqeez

all you have to do is release (all the pressure deep inside)

something happened last week. i don't know why, but i let go of so many things all at once. and, now, i feel so ... relieved.

i noticed it at the party. i wasn't trying to impress. i wasn't holding back to make other people look better. i was just being me. and i didn't have to think about it. about who i was. about what was ok. i just relaxed and let it flow.

i suppose it's hard to understand for those of you who haven't known me that long or for those who haven't seen me very regularly over the last few years. but if you know me in the spring of 2000, that's how i feel now. i wear whatever, say whatever, think and do whatever. and i have no qualms about it. i keep coming back to that photo i have of jo3, killbot and i in walmart. i remember how i felt then. i really didn't give a shit if people thought i looked weird or said strange things or hung out with weird people because i was just so completely comfortable in everything i was doing.

i know exactly how i got away from that. it had everything to do with him. in order to play him up, i had to tone myself down, way down. and, that's completely typical of me. i'm surprised that i (the real me) lasted as long as i did with him. i chalk it up to the fact that we were complete and total strangers, though. it took me a minute to realize we were out of balance.

and, so, what have i learned? i don't know. i've recognized the behavior and it's motivations. still, i'm not sure i know how to combat it. you'd think just remembering how happy i am right now would be enough, but it's so easy to forget the good things. (how stupid that is!)

so, for the time being, i will remain quarantined in the land of singles until i can figure out how to deal with myself. and, really, i'm pretty content with that. life without drama has been so fucking good to me lately and i am definitely getting used to it.

XXX

HEY! did i tell you? i pulled an A- out of my calculus class. i told you i was amazing.

my parents will be coming home from vacation this week i think. *sigh* i am very reluctant to give back the altima (especially after all the gut-wrenching work i put into cleaning out the moldy chili mess under the seats). i have grown quite accustomed to the air conditioning, power windows and bumpin' ass system. all the more motivation to start making real money again i guess.

my financial aid FINALLY came through for the summer. they awarded me $2400 for six weeks. i fucking wish i could get them to pay me all of that, but i think i'll be lucky to rake in $800. oh well. every little bit helps.

i took another look at my financial aid awards for next fall and spring. i know everyone always bitches about not getting enough money, but i think i win the prize here (unless i know any convicted drug felons). i get $175 each semester. uhhh.... awesome. so, word to the wise, stay in school kids (and do well while you're there). aparently, uncle sam is unimpressed with W's. jerk.

well, i guess that's about it. tata.
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