June 21st, 2004

sqeez

life is shit and sex is violent

(not really. i've just got those lyrics in my head today.)

my cycle from mania to depression and back again has gone from three months down to three days. it's strange. the close proximity of the two mindsets seems to help me keep a realistic perspective on life and my near-constant state of exhaustion keeps me from doing anything to outlandish at either end of the spectrum.

i realized last night that i am lonely. i miss talking to people everyday. i miss cuddling at night. but, despite this loneliness, i am no longer desperate for companionship. and i'm not unhappy about being alone. it's empowering to be standing up for myself again. to refuse to convert myself to the lowest common denominator just because it's the only thing around. i have standards and i'd rather be alone (waiting for something better) than resort to lowering them.

it reminds me of ben and jess' wedding. how pathetic it was that ben chose joe (who was dead to ben for (among other things) hitting on his girlfriend) and phil (to whom ben was dead to the very minute "that kid popped out") to be in his wedding party.

i will never be that desperate again.

joe is 99% out of my life and it feels so amazing. it is hard for me to watch friends of mine being friends with him. i honestly don't think i'm jealous of the relationships. i just worry about how he will use and abuse them. but, who am i to tell them what to do. we all have to make our own mistakes; it's the only way we'll ever learn. and, hey, maybe he's changed.

anyway, watching people be friends with him sort of reminds me of watching friends of mine become addicts to various harmful intoxicants. there comes a point when they are circling the drain where there is just nothing you can say to stop them. you have to wait until they reach the very rock bottom before there is even an opportunity to make sense to them.

and, so, i take a few steps back and just watch and wait. i'll be here when they need me (and i'll still be here if they don't). i guess a lot of people would think it's cruel of me to not be friends with people because they are friends with him, but i don't feel like that's what i'm doing. i still love them and i still care. i just refuse to let myself get dragged down with them by fighting their decisions the whole time. i'll save my energy for the rescue down the road.

or... these people will turn out to be just like him, so they won't mind what he does as long as they can reciprocate. they'll all be happy and i'll have my distance to keep me safe.

...

am i dwelling? i dunno... according to sex and the city, it takes at least half as long as the relationship lasted to fully recover. and if that's the case, i've still got a right to complain and a long road ahead of me.

...

work at the X is going pretty well. my manager is leaving this week, though, and i'm sure that things will not be going well for a few weeks. oh well. i will survive.

whoa. i'm down to just two more weeks of calculus. i'm still doing awesome, although my homework grade is slipping. i'll be fine though because, as much as i worry, i'm actually just great at math.

it's good that i'm finally good at something.

and, with that, i think i've wasted enough time on this here comp-u-tater. i hope you all enjoyed my vacation as much as i did. still, it feels good to be back.
sqeez

tooling around

i am the biggest tool that ever walked the face of this earth.

i am the summation of all the tools that ever were and all the tools that will ever be.

my calculus professor changed the date of my exam this week. because he is chinese and i never listen to him, i was completely unaware of the change.

i completely bombed a test i could have easily aced today, simply because i did not have my formula sheet prepared. my homework was turned in incomplete because i thought i had another day to finish it.

all i fucking did today was lie in bed watching my so-called life.

in one fucking day, i completely negated six weeks worth of work.

how is it that i never have any fucking clue what is going on in the world around me? am i so introspective that i become completely oblivious to everything outside of myself?

why can't i stop living in my head?
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    utterly disappointed