May 9th, 2004

sqeez

insomniac in indianapolis

note to self: stop sleeping under down comforter. i could probably sleep for more than a few hours at a time if i didn't wake up in a tangled sweaty mess (and not the fun kind of tangled sweaty mess at all).

so i've been up for about two hours now, but i've been putting off this update (and livejournaling in general) since the moment i woke up. i took a bath, finished the movie i fell asleep to and braided my hair. now, i know it seems that i waste a lot of my time on livejournal, but i actually think these last two hours would have been much better invested in writing. besides, throughout most of those activities (as with most activities in general) i spent the entire time thinking about what i would like to write.

so today was just amazing.

that same feeling that i got around micah carried over into wes' visit today. i just feel so comfortable around these people that i can just be me. it's a me i barely recognize. but as i laugh and joke and smile, i remember a part of my life when i was like all the time. a time when i wasn't always thinking and worrying about reactions. i can't imagine how i ever let myself get away from that.

i always get a kick out of catching up with wes, because he remembers the smallest strangest details of my life that would be lost to me without him. like the way i drew balloons with the little glare on them in grade school. sure, it wouldn't matter if i did forget this minute fact of my life, but i think it's so cool that someone else remembers that about me because, really, all my life will ever be is what other people remember of it. and if all anyone ever remembers is that i drew neat balloons in elementary school (though i doubt that is the case), that's ok. it could be worse. better nothing, than something terrible.

and wes is another one of those people i can always just pick up where we left off with, without hesitation. micah told me recently, "if your friends always seem close even after an absence, it isnt us, it is you." i thought that was a lovely compliment. and regardless of the reasons for them, i am thankful for the relationships i have with these true friends. so, all those times i'm desperate and lonely and crying because i have no friends, i know that is not the case. i can call any one of these people (whom i've all promised to call on such occasions) and immediately have the friend i need without the nervous re-acquaintance or guilty apologies. i'm a lucky girl.

i guess i don't have the words to describe or explain what today meant to me. or maybe i just don't want to share it with anyone but wes. i'm not really sure which. but today was fun and beautiful and just what i needed. (it occurs to me that i'm saying that (just what i needed) far more often these days and i'm am looking forward to a time when i can say that everyday. (it could happen!))

so, thanks for everything.
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sqeez

re: maniacal undertow

i had the opportunity to sell out
but i couldn't do it
i'm stronger than i thought i was

in case i haven't explained the dual nature of amanda
there are two sides to my life
to my mind

there's me
and there's the depression

i can't stop the bad thoughts
(you wouldn't believe what goes on in this head)
but now i can suppress the actions
finally

crisis of faith (in me) averted
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