April 26th, 2004


some things never change

so, saturday night i finally met up with micah. i'd been running late all afternoon. i think i was scared and, as our meeting time approached, i began to realize the gravity of the situation--i hadn't seen or heard from him in years, i didn't know what to say to him, my life has been almost completely uneventful.

i almost called it off.

but i didn't. and i'm so glad!

we met at his parents' house to decide where to go, but both of us hate that town and most of the people in it, so we just stood in his driveway. we talked about college, love, life, mr. jones, parents, friends, jobs, cars, roommates, significant others. it really felt like the only beat we'd missed in all those years was that bad one at the end of "us." i still loved him and i still trusted him (maybe now more than ever). i didn't have to hold anything back. he seemed equally at ease.

i forgot what it was like to have friends like that. i hate that we have to, but i love that we can just pick up (nearly) where we left off.

he's leaving for a summer in north carolina soon, but, hopefully, i'll be able to see him once more before he goes.

we've been emailing each other for the past two weeks, and i'm just loving it. apparently, i have a lot to say. i'm writing again, and it's amazing. i guess everyone was right about that writing business. when inspired, i really can do great work. i just haven't been inspired much lately. or excited.

but, jesus, i sure am now!

i was starting to settle for life "as is." i knew i was, but i wouldn't admit it. settling is so much easier than fighting sometimes and i needed a rest. but the past two weeks have been so shaken up, i couldn't sit still anymore.

i have hopes and dreams and i still want to believe i can attain them.

life really is beautiful, sometimes.

thanks to everyone who helps to make it so.
  • Current Music
    oasis - wonderwall

cookin' up a graduation party

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eventually, we made it to the party and things were pretty well bumpin' already. the majority of those in attendance were LJers, but i failed to get their usernames. (i'm sure larbdoof can hook me up in a comment.) from madison, it was wheninhell, larbdoof, san_yo, noforgiveness, thomas, nicholas and i.

i didn't get all that drunk, but i really had a fucking blast. it was a nice change of pace for me to hang out with these friends-of-friends (or acquaintances) with out our mutual friends around to buffer interactions. these people all have the potential to be great friends to me. i just don't know them that well or see them that often. i'd really like to do something to change that.

i also noticed that i still think of noforgiveness as that 14-year-old i met in high school. it's not that he acts immature or anything. i just knew him then and then i didn't know him at all for awhile, so that's how i've remembered him. i have the same problem with the freshman guard girls from my senior year. i guess it's the gap that does it, because i don't think of wheninhell or nicholas in that way. anyway, i hope that i grow out of that mindset soon, because these kids are all growing up now and i want to appreciate that.

i wonder at what age will everyone i know from school will seem the same age as me. i'm guessing around 30. definitely by 50. won't that be weird?

so, at the end of the night, i was nursing larbdoof and san_yo on the patio. we stayed up until the sun came up. i guess some people were annoyed with the ordeal, but i didn't mind. well, i was tired of standing up, but other than that it was all good.

for a while, i was actually really enjoying myself. noforgiveness and some other kids were walking in the street below, the rain was light and warm, larbdoof was talking about how great i was, san_yo was just quietly enjoying a back rub. it was just nice. every few minutes i'd find myself stretching myself out from head to toe and leaning over the railing. i could feel the rain on my fingers and my neck and i was stretching every muscle in my body.

i just felt alive. and everything seemed simple and beautiful. it was a lovely night and i am very thankful for it.

sometimes i surprise myself and discover i'm not the person i thought i was at all. it's amazing when you can teach yourself something once and a while.

anyway, thanks to all those crazy kids for such a fabulous time. congrats again to wheninhell. and thanks to larbdoof for the yoohoo and the ride back to madison!

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  • Current Music
    queens of the stone age - no one knows

i'd love to love you, baby

it's becoming quite apparent
that i will never be able to control
who loves me

only who does not

not that i don't want people to love me
of course

some people who think they love me
(who don't even really know me)
think their love gives them rights to me

which they don't have any right to at all

now, i know i'm not a knock-out
but there's more to me than meets the eye
and people are attracted to that

but that doesn't mean i want their hands on me
their kisses or their bad breath
they make all these assumptions...

they think they can do whatever they want

well, i don't want to play games
i will be honest with anyone
who is honest with me

say i love you with words
not your hands
or your dick

there's a difference between lust and love

it's hard to be attractive
i can't believe i just said that
but it really is

i have to be careful what i say
and who i sit next to
for fear of sending the wrong signal

to the wrong person

there were people at that party
who i wanted to talk to
who i wanted to know

but i spent half the night
fighting grabs
and taking (incredibly hurtful) jokes

i didn't have the time or the energy for my agenda

so they didn't have their way with me
but i didn't have my way either
and that's not fair

i'm too fucking nice to some people
i wish i had the courage to tell them off
or the strength to knock them out cold

because i'm tired of running away

and maybe someday i'll be cornered again
and i'll be too nice again
and i'll still be too tired to fight

i'll say no
he'll hear yes
and i'll take it

and i won't do anything about it this time either

because that's another fight
that all my friends and family will watch
and i can't run away once that ball starts rolling
  • Current Music
    spiritualized - i didn't mean to hurt you