April 18th, 2004

sqeez

dreams so terrible i couldn't wake up

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i could barely recognize his face. i hate myself for allowing such thing to occur. i thought i had more time. i didn't think at all.

i saw too many people that i hadn't seen in far too many years.

micah was there and all i wanted to do was hug him and say i was sorry for everything, but i couldn't even say hello. we haven't spoken since the night we broke up. i wondered if my presence there made things harder for him and i hated myself for allowing that to happen too. i still care about him, deeply. and i still hate to see him hurt. but, now, i'm not even able to make things better for him.

i hate that i let all this time go by without telling or showing people how much i still care. i hate that they may die thinking i hate them or hating me. my life will only mean as much as other people's memories of it. so why do i let them go on with these misconceptions of how i feel?

it's like when curtis wright died. i knew him, but we weren't friends in the least. we had mutual friends and we were on the swim team together. the last time i remember talking to him, i think we said some pretty horrible things to one another.

and then he died.

and i can't take those horrible things back. i never should have said them, because i never meant them. but that's how we'll remember each other. and that's a terrible shame.

i don't know if i ever told mr. jones how much he meant to me. i thought that i had written to him sometime last year, but i can't find the email. he's one of the top three most influential people in my life so far and i wouldn't even be here at all if it weren't for him. i'm sure he knew he was a lot of great things to a lot of great people, and his influence on my life isn't that important in that respect. but i still wish that he had known and that he'd heard if from me, personally. i feel like i've failed him in some way.

and there's no way to fix that now.

i can only try to do better for others in the future. i can't go to another funeral with all these things left unsaid.
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