April 16th, 2004


i'm ready and i'm not ready for this weekend at the same time

i couldn't get off work tonight, so i will be driving to madison tomorrow after my shift. it's going to be a terrible drive, alone.

i still can't put my feelings into words.

i hate that this is how i'm going to reunite with my classmates again. it will be like john's funeral all over again. i do want to see them and i will be happy to see them, but, at the same time, i will be sad to have to see them there and to see them so sad.

funerals seem to bring out the alcoholic in me. i don't really know why. it's a coping mechanism, i suppose, but not one i've ever used before. i guess it's just a nice social coping mechanism. but i don't mean nice... it just works well for groups.

everything i'm saying seems so pointless in light of this event. i wish i could describe how much he meant to me, how he changed my life and how he gave me hope.

i wish he'd let me visit him in the hospital.
i wish i would have written more.
i wish i would have learned more.
i wish i would have lived up to his expectations.

i wish i could have said goodbye.

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in light of this

i want to be good. i want to love everyone and trust in the basic goodness of all people. i want to give everything to everyone and remember that life is all about those special moments of connection. i want to forgive everything and just love, love, love.

but then she has to show me just how trustworthy people are. and she has to show me just how much people love to hurt me. people aren't good. their just watching out for their own good. they want to take and take and take until there's nothing left. and then they want to trample on the used up reminder of humanity on their way to the top. they want their life to be defined by the moments where they actually crushed another man's soul. they don't want to love, they want to be loved.

i'm still so torn between being the person i've always been and being the person i have to be in order to survive.

at these funerals, the embodiment of all my ideals die too. but then i see the effects these people had on the people around them. maybe those ideals aren't dead after all. now i want to embody the ideals myself, so these people won't be forgotten. so they're effects will be felt by all those people around me and the people around them and so on. so they live forever.

but then i wonder if there is a reason they are dead. the newspaper said john killed himself. i still can't wrap my head around that. not john, anyone but john. but, then again, i know what it feels like to be all used up and left for dead. and when you're all alone like that, dead starts to look pretty good.

so what good did it do him to be the most moral and caring guy i ever knew? he still died alone. and, yes, he was missed and he was loved, but did he know it? not if it ended like that.

after he died, i tried to be a better me. i was honest, but all-loving. i didn't love anyone any less for their faults, but i wanted them to be better. i wish everyone i knew could live a life like john did. maybe then everyone i know wouldn't feel so alone.

i could hurt people left and right, but it wouldn't make me feel any better. i could hurt them with the truth, with lies or with my fists. it wouldn't matter. i'd hate myself for it.

but loving people is still getting me nowhere, because they're still hurting me day in and day out.

mr. jones told me once that he thought love was just a chemical reaction. i tend to agree, if you believe in finding that special feeling with that special someone. i really do just want to love everyone, because we're all a part of this mysterious existence and we're all in it together. no one knows what the fuck is going on. we all have pain. we all have joy. we all make mistakes. we're all going to die. i just want to appreciate the fact that now matter how unique everyone seems to be, in the basic sense of being, we're all exactly the same.
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