April 2nd, 2004


i'm dead to you now. what are you going to do? kill me?

a few entries back i wrote about how i think it will be sad for ben and jess's kids to find out some day that they were accidents.

ben took offense to this and now i am dead to him. whatever.

everyone knows they have a kid. and everyone knows they are not married.

and maybe everyone wasn't thinking about it, but i think we can all agree that no kid wants to look at his birth certificate and figure out that he was an accident.

i know people that did go through that. it's the kind of thing that can make you wonder whether you are a blessing or a burden when your parents are experiencing hardships.

and, hey, maybe things have changed since i was born and they don't even put the dad's name on the birth certificate anymore so little ayden won't have to find out that way.

anyway, i wasn't passing judgments on ben or jess (or their babies for that matter) in that other entry. i'm just saying that i think that's a sucky thing for any kid to go through. and witnessing their situation has made me all the more careful with my future. i think it's important to learn from other people's mistakes as well as your own.

and if people can't separate observation and deduction from judgment, than that's their problem. i'm not going to apologize for using sound, logical deduction to make my life better.

get over it.
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other admirable traits

also, either jess does read ben's email without his knowledge
or she lies about reading it to me.

because she does brag about it to me.

deceit goes so nicely with motherhood, don't you think?

yeah, me either.

just to be clear

since it's so hard for you people to decipher.

i never said jess was a bad mother.

i simply implied that wishing death on people is not positive behavior.

she's the one who said she wanted negative people out of ayden's life.

so all i'm saying, is maybe she should work on that.

gaining perspective

i like hearing what other people have to say about me.
good and bad.

it's good to have a perspective on life
that isn't completely ego-centric.

of course, with each argument
you must carefully weigh the source.
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    joe dirt

clearly, you're not paying attention

after reading amber's comment today, i thought perhaps i hadn't been as clear as i would have liked when i was discussing accidental pregnancies.

but, looking back on those two entries (1, 2), i feel that i have.

"i think we can all agree that no kid wants to look at his birth certificate and figure out that he was an accident... it's the kind of thing that can make you wonder whether you are a blessing or a burden when your parents are experiencing hardships."

after finding something like that out when your parents have kept it a secret from you, you may wonder how their lives would be if you hadn't been born.

when your parents start talking about divorce or cheat on each other, you may wonder if they'd even have gotten married were it not for you.

when they complain about their jobs, you may wonder if they would have finished college or stayed at a more enjoyable job, were it not for you.

when they dream about buying fancy things, you may wonder if they could afford them, were it not for you.


and, hey, i'll bet there are kids that weren't accidents that have those thoughts to.

i just wanted to be clear that i thought (know) these could be consequences of a child finding out the hard way. i'm sure things would be much less problematic for the child if his parents were honest with him from the get go. and i'm sure it would also be less of an issue if the parents had the partners, jobs and all the things they ever wanted.

i never said it made anyone bad parents or that it meant anyone loved anyone any less.

i feel i've been perfectly clear on this point.
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oh my god i can't stop laughing.

first off, she didn't realize we were mocking ricky, her and every other hick that speaks that way.

second, she missed the other two grammatical jokes.

and third, best of all, she spelled sense two different ways--both incorrect.

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she also seems to be under the impression that i think ayden's last name is bladen. (wouldn't that be terrible? ayden bladen...) i don't feel i could possibly be anymore clear about any of this. but the more i say, the more misunderstood i seem to be.
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point & click interface

conversion of a non-believer

this afternoon, jo3 and i had the following conversation. he is aware that i have posted it here.


i think this is as much sense i can make to people who don't think in the same realm that i do, to people who interpret and analyze things in an entirely different way from me.


he said i gave him new understanding of this entire situation. i hope that it will enlighten others, but i'm not holding my breath.


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swell: i wish that other people could see their lives, their actions and their consequences as clear as i see mine

joe lackner: i wish i could as well.... it's quite painful when you "awaken" to all of these things you've done - when you were too busy being selfish to yourself, and the pain you've caused.


that is a curse within itself.

swell: and much deserved

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