March 18th, 2004


reflections on the last year

"the funny thing is that we were a lot better at the being mean part."

that's not really something i want to say when i'm 22 years old. it just seems so pathetic to me.

i used to hope that she would change after all of this. well, she has. but it has been for the worse, not the better. i did not think it would be possible for her to act more immature than she already was, but there she is.

i think that i learn a lot, even from bad situations. my break up with joe was probably the most enlightening experience i've ever had (and still continues to educate me now). i'm a better person for having made it through that hardship. i may not be a nice or as giving, but i am stronger and more independent.

this whole experience with amber has been very educational too. i've learned that i can't help every person in my life, especially if they don't want to change. i've seen that dark, hateful, hurtful side of people that i really hadn't seen since fourth grade at eggleston. i saw it coming too, before our falling out. but i just had more faith in amber's maturity than she apparently deserved.

i've certainly learned not to trust people who aren't reciprocating friendship. no matter how badly i want to get something off my chest, the anxiety from holding it inside will be much less uncomfortable than the hurt from having it used against or someone i care about.

i can't believe amber dragged stew into this with that fucked up comment she made. (the funny thing is, after 3 years and countless heart-to-hearts, amber still has no idea that i was in the hospital myself). she only met him once, and he was respectful then and remained respectful by staying out of the livejournal drama. but she doesn't think about things like that.

we've all heard that cutting people down makes bullies feel better about themselves, but it also makes them out to be an ass hole, jerk bitch, whatever in everyone else's eyes. don't they see that? of course, all those other ignorant jerks will admire you and that's where keri, jess and jaymie come in. if i cared at all about any of those girls anymore, i would be sad for them. but i just keep thinking that they deserve each other. they'll turn on one another again before you know it. and i can be feel good knowing that i wasn't stupid or needy enough to dive head first into that mess like they did.

i really wish jess would just stay out of all this--not that i mind making her look foolish all the time. it just sucks losing my friendship with ben. by allowing his fiancee to make those wild, unjustified accusations and hurl those insults at me without standing up for me, he's shown me that he either agrees with what she says or doesn't care enough about me as a person to make a stand. i know for a fact that he doesn't feel that way about it; he just doesn't want to be put in the middle. he said he wouldn't stand up for jess against anything i had to say about her. but when amber and phil talked shit about jess, ben put himself in the middle right quick. now, jess is the mother of ben's children and i don't expect him to do more for me than he would for her, but he continues to assert that i'm like family to him. well, i don't let people say those things about my family and get away with it. neither would ben.

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you could say i've lost a lot of friends in the last year, but i haven't really. i'm just ditching dead weight. all these people were holding me back. i couldn't do or say the things i wanted. i couldn't go to the places i wanted without them dragging me back. i couldn't even be the person i really was, because it's not who they wanted me to be. the whole time, i was so afraid of losing them all and ending up alone. but i feel so much better now. there's no pressure and no anxiety. there's no fear. i'm so happy with who i am, where i am and where i am going. and i'm not alone. sure, sometimes i'm lonely, but i'm never alone.
  • Current Mood

found poetry

i wrote this my sophomore year, i think. from a short story about a flood.

mrs. martin said, "wow! wonderful stuff, amanda!"

my mother, ever changing
waves with inconstant peaks and troughs
in one place hot, near boiling
in another, frigid

the sand is my father's image
tread upon without gratitude or apology
he goes where the waves place him
and stays there
never saying a word

a random ice berg
in the vastness of the open sea
a sister whom you never see
who is so cold
you wouldn't want to

and the blue
a blue so rich and dark
in the depths of an unfriendly ocean
is me

in the caves
which have never seen light
i am the blue ocean
so lonely and cold

i remember writing the poem in class, frantically flipping pages to find words to use. but i don't remember thinking much of what i'd written. i don't remember trying very hard to make these metaphors apply to my life. but it captured how i felt about my family perfectly. i seem to have left my brother out, but i think that was due to a lack of other interesting words to use for him more than anything else.

i'm not really one for poetry. i tend to write the un-metered, non-rhyming kind and always about the same things. but i like the concept of found poetry. i'd like to find another good story to use and try it out again.
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letters from kansas

i wrote this in my journal sometime during the fall of 2003, probably right after visiting indiana over thanksgiving break.

i'm beginning to fear there is nothing to come home to. or, not so much nothing, as things i'm not going to like. the people seem different. but maybe i'm the one who is changing. i can't tell anymore. all i know is that my head hurts more and more every day. more stress. more pain. more sadness. more frustration. maybe i'm realizing how truly hopeless my life, and life in general, really is. i'm not going anywhere. i've traveled 700 miles to take one step in the right direction and at least ten in the wrong ones. we all make mistakes, but shouldn't i be learning from them by now? i'm not. i'm certain of that. even when i know my thoughts and actions are wrong, i continue them. self-destruction. some scars never heal, especially the ones you pick at and reopen everyday. but i just can't leave them alone. sometimes i think i'm afraid to let myself get better. to be happy.

when am i going to grow up? get over all of this? in my head i know it's nothing. life is fleeting, right? enjoy it while it lasts. forgive and forget. move on.

move on.

and stop listening to the same sad songs. stop looking in the mirror when you already know you're going to hate what you see. stop cutting. stop crying. stop reliving those terrible times. let them go. let it all go. just let go. live.

i think i need to stop thinking.
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mix tape madness

i made a tape for ben rogers once. i can't recall a single song on it. in fact, i don't remember making it. but i gave it to him and i commanded him:

even if you don't like it--YOU HAVE TO LOVE THIS TAPE!

about it, he said:

i heard the tale of a sad girl who loved more than she cried, and she cried all the time.

i think that may well be the most true and most powerful line ever used to characterize me.

i wish i knew how to make things mean something again. though i can't remember them, i know those songs were packaged with a lot meaning and emotion. they were sung by other people, but they were mine and they were his and they allegorized our memories for as long as the tape could play.

i am making a tape.
  • Current Music
    the velvet underground - here she comes now