March 2nd, 2004



i think they were having
skinny white boy
ugly fat girl
uber stoned sex
in her car

what a sad pathetic fuck he is
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7 & 7 is not a drink to be taken lightly.

it means business.

so, i just got back from the lockerbie pub with my friend shane long. and by friend, i mean this guy i hung out with on campus last semester who i met through a girl in my professional writing class. it was pretty cool getting to talk to him about shit besides school and work, so i guess maybe we are now really friends, as opposed to acquaintances.

since i hate going to the bars (but for some reason really wanted to go to tonight) i made him order my drinks for me. big mistake. he started me off with a 7 & 7 which is just whiskey (seagrams 7) with 7-up. that experience is parallel to drinking watered down vodka with dawn ellis in opiate's basement (no one but banjo or opiate could possibly appreciate that reference, but the point is the drink tastes horrible and there's more to drink because it is dilluted).

after that he got me some fruity drink with 7-up that just tasted like sweet, sweet candy. i'll have to get the name of that tomorrow.

anyway, i had a really great time. we both just kind of bitched about our shitty jobs drama with friends/significant others. then we shared a bunch of drug experiences and had a lot of good laughs about those. sometime, i'd like to rant about my thoughts about the legality of drugs, but not right now.

i'm drinking a rolling rock at the moment. i don't like beer. and i'm not drinking to get drunk. i find this intriguing. this is probably only the fourth time i've even drank in the apartment and maybe only the second time i've ever drank without the intention of getting hammered. the idea of addiction comes to mind, but one beer certainly does not an alcoholic make.

eh, but it's nice to have new friends. i was getting so sick of having the same pointless conversations with the same vapid people here. it's nice to be around people who actually think about things besides themselves.

well, time for bed i think.

nini, jerks.
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boo fucking hoo

god love nightmares
and waking up crying

the dream was stupid
amber was there
by helping her
i got screwed over
and she of course left me there

wes abplanalp was around
and jim oliva was eating acid
and larry burned his house down
but walked through the house anyway
to ask his mom for college money

i went to bed after 4
this is the second time i've woken up
also, i thought drinking was bad for dreaming
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    text message alert
ice princess


see, it never fails.

people always think i'm talking about them.

people always misunderstand.
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    not surprised

drama in the morning

you know if you want to think it's about you
go right ahead
if you don't want to take my word for it
why bother asking
you've already got your mind made up
joe, you know i don't give a shit about what you think
or how you feel
just like you didn't care about me
life's not so easy when the tables are turned, eh
i don't see what the problem is
if i think she's ugly
i'm allowed to say so
if i think you're pathetic
i can say that too
if i want to hurt your feelings
i'm allowed
if you wanna read what i write
then you should know what to expect
anything you bring into this apartment
into my life
i can and probably will
state my opinion on it
if you can't take it
don't bring it here
and get the fuck out

you want me to meet you halfway
well i went 99% for three years
maybe in another three
i'll have something more to offer
but until then
you'll just have to deal with the 1%
you left me with

word to the wise

"life would be so much easier if you even attempted to meet me half way."

i know i'm a bitch to joe. but i honestly think that's more than he deserves. and it's not half as bad as it could be. i could make his life hell if i wanted. but i don't want that. i just want him to realize what an asshole he is.

but apprently he can't take it. poor baby. it's the price you pay when you lie to your girlfriend about why you want to move in with her and how much you love her.

now, i know you're all thinking, "amanda, don't dwell on that. forgive and forget." but if i forget, then i'll just let some other asshole do it to me all over again. and i forgive, i'd be forgiving someone who isn't even sorry for what he did.

well, joe is sorry. he's sorry i don't take care of him anymore. he's sorry that i don't pay his way. he sorry that i don't want to fuck him. he's sorry i don't taxi him around, clean up after him or let him sleep in my bed.

he's not sorry he broke my heart.
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six-year-old girls are supposed to want barbie dream houses

i still remember the first time i ever tried to do it. i stabbed at my arms with a yellow #2 pencil for hours. the lead was gone from the tip and the jagged edges only scratched my skin. my dad was watching television and i was hanging over the back of that ugly brown sofa trying to make him see me.

i'm not sure where i even got the idea. i certainly had no understanding of veins or arteries. i probably saw it in a movie. obviously, i didn't even understand the difference between blunt and sharp objects,  but somehow i realized the drama attached to that fateful act and i wanted to act it out.

back then, it was all about the attention. i know i didn't understand the concept of death at all. i can't remember if it was before or after my grandfather died, but even after that i still didn't comprehend the finality of death, the permanence.

my wrists didn't even bleed that night and no one noticed a thing. the ordeal made me a little hopeless that i would ever be able to get the attention i needed. i went to bed and thought about how next time i would have to do better, to stab harder, to scratch deeper.

six-year-old girls aren't supposed to want to kill themselves, but for some reason i did. or i thought i did. it was an act of desperation. i can't claim to understand it now. i'm sure i didn't understand it then.

i wonder if things would be different now if my dad had looked over to see me. would i be better off or worse? it's hard to say. but i'm glad i still remember that night. it was a major turning point in my life. looking back on it now, it lends an interesting perspective on my current situation.

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