February 28th, 2004

sqeez

beautiful day

it's been a long time since i've gotten out to enjoy such a wonderful day. i'm tempted to just lie in the sun and just soak it all in--to forget about everything and everyone and just enjoy myself. it's days like today that make me sorry i don't still live in madison. clifty falls was just the best place to go in this fabulous weather. i used to ride my bike across town, neglect the toll at the pedestrian entrance and then just breeze through the park. climbing those hills was exhausting work but the downward coast was exhilarating. at times it really felt like flying. and i loved the way the rays of sun shot through the trees and as i sped down the hills i would flicker in and out of blindness from the bright shafts of light. sometimes, i'd park my bike and hike down to the creek bed. under the falls that fine february mist would rise up and cool me off.

sometimes, i have the moments of clarity where i either feel like an integral part of the world around me or i realize that there are billions of lives and things going on around me that i have absolutely nothing to do with. they are two opposite realizations, but both seem to serve the same purpose for me--to remind me that there are other things in this world (in my realm of existence) that aren't the things disappointing me everyday. i wish that i could remember that everyday.

i wish that i could make other people happy, fix things, fix people, make the world fair and just. but i guess that i just can't. that's too much for someone as weak as me to accomplish in one lifetime (have i told you about my personal philosophy regarding karma and reincarnation?). i will be lucky if can make one other person happy in this lifetime. so, i guess it's time to be selfish, time to forget the foolish notion that making everyone else happy will make me happy by proxy. i'm not going to put up with the bullshit anymore. i'm going to tell 100% of the truth 100% of the time. my needs for survival (and perhaps contentment) will come before anyone else's needs of satisfaction. i will not seek approval from other people. i will not let their opinions of me have power or influence over my life.

it's not my job to make my acquaintances into decent human beings; it my job to appreciate those people that treat me well and ignore those who do not. i cannot undo 20-some years of selfish, illogical attitudes and i should not have to.

i know that i'm a good person and i feel good with that knowledge. so that's it. i feel good. end of story.

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