February 24th, 2004

sqeez

hello again, cruel world

so when i said they all deserved each other, i meant it. i just had no idea they would take it to heart. it seems like just about everyone from the old gang (minus thur and i) is back to loving the rest of the gang. good for them.

of course, i'm a little confused as to why they have all chosen to forgive and forget the total betrayal between them and still hold grudges against me. i still don't feel like i did anything wrong to any of them (with the exception of jess perhaps. but i don't feel bad about that, because it was truly how i felt and i did not consider her a friend at the time it happened). apparently i'm wrong about that feeling though. so tell me:

what did i do to deserve this?

now, don't get me wrong. i'm not looking to restore friendships with any of these people. i'm just trying to better myself as a person. i'd like to realize my mistakes so i don't make them again.

if i had to guess why these people hate me...
amber--because i told her how i felt about the way she treated me or that stupid phone call because she really did make a big deal out of it, despite her argument that it didn't bother her.

keri--my response to the text messages. seriously though, i wasn't mad. that was all a big misunderstanding. if i had been mad, you can be sure she would have received 100 messages in a row that night.

jo3--because i point out his shortcomings and he refuses to own up to them or because he fucked up and can't have me.

jamie--now, i don't think she actually hates me, since we've never even met. but i'm sure i came off her friends list because i took her off mine. i'm not worried about that one at all. anyone that can talk that much shit about someone's past and present behavior and then go willingly back into a relationship with them deserves to get shit on all over again. and why ask for someone's advice if you're just going to go against it?

phil--i suppose i made him feel bad for offering to pay for him and amber to go to that party. and i'm sure he blames me for what happened with ben. and i'm sure amber gives him no choice but to hate me anyway.

so who else out there hates me? there must be more. not even hates really... but who else used to be my friend and then later decided i wasn't worth the trouble? i'd really like to know why this happens.
  • Current Mood
    pensive
sqeez

amongst other things

i'm going to quit smoking.

i can't remember the last time i enjoyed it.
now it just makes me sick.

also, i don't suppose i can afford it anymore.

still, it helped me through a rough time.

maybe i fucked up my respiratory system,
but at least i don't have any new scars this year.

hopefully, i can continue to avoid that now.
and in the future.
sqeez

huh...

i'd like to set my LJ on loop
because i realized
after reading my first several entries
that i just want to say most of that stuff
all over again

i'm always falling down the same hill