January 22nd, 2004

sqeez

the best things in life are free

i guess my friends just don't understand how little i care about money. i hate that i make so much money now because i end up spending it on myself. that makes me sick. i love that i can buy other people things though. i wish that i could buy more for them or do more for them. christmas this year was the best because i got gifts for everyone in my life. and not just some stupid little thing. i spent a lot of time and quite a bit of money finding things that i knew people would really enjoy and appreciate.

but, i'm told that my ability and desire to shower people with gifts or help them out of monetary binds is insulting. i really had no idea. i just want to help. i'd much rather invest in someone else than in myself. and maybe that's wrong (everyone i know seems to think so), but it's the way i am. and i really don't want to change. i would like to stop insulting people. but i still want to help them. i just need to find a more subtle way to do so, i guess.

ahh, man.... i'm just overwhelmed with sadness right now. it just hit me--hard.

i don't think i'll ever be able to be the person i've been dreaming of since i can remember. i don't think i'll ever achieve the goals which others and myself have set. all i've ever wanted to do was fix things and make life/the world better. i know it sound cheesy, but i mean it. it sickens me to think of the amount of needless pain i've suffered and i just can't stomach the thought of anyone else having to go through that ever

but what can i do? i can't even take care of myself. maybe it's because i'm too busy taking care of other people. or maybe i'm just incapable of taking care of anyone. i don't know. but i can't seem to make it through one lousy day without thinking i don't even want to try again the next day. i'm so fucking lucky that i have stewbot looking out for me. he can always tell when i need cheering up and knows just what to do to get the job done.

i wish that i could be more like that for him. i know he needs it. i feel so fucking bad when i know i'm bringing him down, but i still can't seem to stop myself from being stupid/depressed/mean. you see? i'm like the goddamn antithesis to the person i'm trying to be. thank you bipolar disease. thank you astrology (gemini).

i really used to think i had a chance to change the world. to change people. but every good thing i've ever tried to do has ended badly. i hate to think of all the poor boys that i've somehow managed to scar emotionally by just trying to love them. i tried to help them achieve their potentials, but only ended up distracting them.

i used to think i tried to help my friends see the truth--to see who and what they really were. but how do i know what the truth is? no wonder they all hate me. i tried to make them believe they were something they were not. i don't know why i thought i had some great gift to be able to see people's weaknesses/faults/flaws and to help them fix them. i don't know why i thought it was my responsibility.

when i was younger, i used to think maybe i was the second coming of christ. i really did. i'm not sure i even believed in god then, at least not formally, but i just had this feeling inside of me that i had some special purpose and some special ability to make this world into something spectacular. how ridiculous i was.

i wish i did have some purpose in this life. even if it wasn't as grand as changing the world, it would be nice to know what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing with my life. i guess that's why i think about suicide a lot. i mean, what's the fucking point? what does it matter if i don't exist anymore? ehh... but then i get that feeling, and i just can't go through with it.

believe it or not, i sort of envy jess' life. it may not be the life she had planned on, but now she has a direct course to the future. i wish i would get knocked up. i really do. because you have to be a mom. and you have to support your family. there's all sorts of things you just have to do. right now, i don't have to do a damn thing. i don't have to work or go to school or even eat if i feel like starving to death because none of it makes a damn bit of difference while i have no specific purpose in life.

maybe we're not supposed to have purposes, but i need one--desperately. i'm sure that has a lot to do with why i've been in love with every single person i've ever known. i try to make them (or their happiness) my purpose. is that such a bad thing? apparently so, since the majority of those people can't stand to even be in the same room as me anymore.

god, i'm rambling. i'm sorry. i just... i dunno... something isn't right with me. i need to figure it out.

fast.
  • Current Mood
    introspective
sqeez

future shock

i think, after this semester, i'm leaving. i wanted to leave today, but i missed the full refund date for school. so i'll wait. then, i'll leave.

and i'll never look back.
  • Current Mood
    frustrated, overwhelmed
sqeez

cry baby

i want a ring
and a baby
and a house
and a mortgage
and a car payment
and a carpool
and a 9 to 5
and a wedding
and a honeymoon
and a two-week vacation
and a savings account
and a minivan
and a book club
and a two-car garage
and a career
and a college degree
and a girls' night out
and stock investments
and PTA meetings
and a newspaper subscription
and a set of good china
and place to put my piano
i want sectional sofas
and entertainment centers
a bedroom suit
with matching curtains
i want painted walls
and wallpaper
i want to grow up
and get rid of all these web pages
i want to stop talking about life
and thinking about life
and just start living it
i want to do my homework
and go to class
and graduate
i want to love my job
and do good work

i've been rocking this teenage angst for more than 10 years now. the indecision, insecurity, uncertainty, helplessness, rebelliousness and apathy have't gotten me anywhere.

whenever you're ready to let me, god, i'm ready to grow up.
  • Current Mood
    i don't even know anymore