January 20th, 2004

sqeez

seriously

throughout my entire lifetime i have hated at least 98% of all of my friends. maybe not hated, exactly. but i resented that they never seemed to care as much for me as i did for them. stewbot pointed out recently that almost all of my current friends treat me like shit. i tried to deny it, but he was right.

i wish that i didn't put up with it. i'm told that i deserve better (although sometimes i'm not so sure that i do). but, god, i just want to make people happy--especially people that are SO special to me. you think people would appreciate that, but they never do. sometimes they even resent it. sometimes they misinterpret it and think i'm trying to be mean.

apparently, i just suck at life. maybe i was just meant to live out in the wilderness somewhere all by myself. i certainly wasn't meant to be a roommate, friend, wife or math teacher.

so, i guess i'm done for a while. i'm really sick of trying and failing. it's time for me to "grow up" and take care of my "responsibilities." i thought i'd been doing that (off and on) for the last seven years, but i guess i was wrong.

so if you need me ha, right!

so if you care to make sure i'm not dead, i'll be in my room growing up and being responsible. apparently life is all about being selfish and treating other people like shit. that seems to be the only way to get ahead. so i'll be beating that lesson into my head until i forget that ridiculous notion that you should treat people the way you would like to be treated.

and, no, this isn't directed at just one person. it's about all the people in my life who are supposed to be my friends, except a select few (seven at most) from madison an bloomington. and even half of them aren't the friends i think i deserve, but i'll take what i can get i guess.
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    lonely