January 9th, 2004

sqeez

match game

i just read dorso's entry about what he is looking for in a relationship. it got me thinking about my wants and needs. (it also got me thinking we should get married (ha!) because he's the first guy i've ever known who has the smarts to want these things and also to tell girls about them).

really, i've been thinking about this junk for the last year. after i came home from kansas, i realized the scales in my relationship with jo3 were more like 95/5 than 50/50. and i also realized that he was anything but honest with me (it just took me a few months to really admit that).

so what do i want?

first and foremost, honesty. i absolutely despise being lied to--especially when it comes to things as eternally important as love and the rest of my life. if you don't love me, for fuck's sake, don't say you do and then break my heart three years down the road. you just can't take something like that back.

and if you're sick of seeing me and don't want to hang out some night, just say so. don't let me make plans with you and cancel plans with others just so you can stand me up or cancel without a minute's warning. that's harsh. i'd rather just not see someone for a day or so than be hurt by them everyday.

it's shit like that that really eats away at me. people get fed up and annoyed with me but don't tell me so, and i just keep making the problem worse because i don't know i'm bothering them. so, of course, i think i must be doing something terribly wrong to upset them so and feel guilty and helpless all at once.

i think by the end of my relationship with jo3, he couldn't even stand to be in the same room with me. he never told me so, of course. he just kept telling me he loved me and telling everyone else the opposite. i guess it's just easier to hurt other people than put yourself through a difficult situation.

so what else...trust. this goes with honesty. i'm going to do whatever i want whenever i want with whomever i chose and no boyfriend/husband/whatever will ever have the right to tell me i can't. i swear, i have always been and will always be totally honest about what's going on to my significant other (and just about everyone really). if they don't like it, then they don't like me.

and, now that i'm getting older, drive is absolutely essential--and with it goes goals. i need to be with someone who has specific and productive goals for the future and is actively working to achieve them. i will never let myself support a lazy, freeloading fuck again. that's just pathetic. i threw away so many jobs and a semester of school for jo3 and got pretty much nothing (besides some companionship) in return. i've got too much potential to waste on some hapless slob.

and, believe it or not, i want someone who wants to have a family. i'm not going to get into why this is becoming so incredibly important for me, but just know that it is.

love is a powerful thing. it's presence can conquer almost anything. it's absence can destroy even the strongest of men.

i wish i had more hope that i will find what i want and soon. i am happy where i am at now, but i worry about the future. i could really stand to have some stability in these times ahead, but the relationships i have now don't exactly support that.
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