April 9th, 2003


back in business [melo]

that's it. i did it. i walked away. one day short of three years, i gave up. i'd been putting it off for a long time, refusing to admit what was happening. but he didn't love me, he even said so himself. not to me of course, but to everyone else who asked. i asked about our future and suddenly i was "forcing him to settle down." he found ways to somehow make me feel guilty for all the wrong he had ever done. can you believe it? i was actually apologizing for expecting him to be nice to me!

of course... i'd forgotten how hard it is to be alone. and it is different to be alone with him than it is to be alone for real. i guess i should have thought about that before i left. i know i did the right thing, though. he was being so mean to me. he was seriously hurting me. and i deserve so much better than that.

i'm really glad i can finally say that. i know that there are other fish in the see. not only can i find someone else, i can do a lot better. i'm an awesome person. and i do deserve to be happy. so fuck all that nonsense.

i'm not going to pretend that i don't still love him, though. i do. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. but not the way it was. not with me making all the sacrifices and him reaping all the benefits.

i don't want to end up like my parents. it simply isn't an option for me.