March 23rd, 2002

sqeez

(no subject)

its the drugs and its the shots and its just me. im making mountains out of molehills. overreacting. its my fault and i know it. so i sit in my car and cry for 30 minutes. straight up bawling like a little baby and i dont even know where its coming from. im mad at him, maybe. no. mad at myself for being such an idiot. upset because im just sitting there crying in the parking lot and its 20 degrees outside. pissed because i cant drive until i stop crying. and i cant stop crying because im cold and lonely and mad that he isnt there for me to talk to or yell at or cry on or something. i dont know. it was a joke to you but i am a cunt. and im a fool. so what am i going to do about it? well. first, im going to curl up and cry myself to sleep. then tomorrow im going to sit around in bed all day to let it all soak in. to punish myself. to get my hopes up that he'll show up and prove me wrong and everything will be peachy. to be let down and heartbroken because aparently thats how i like things to be.

i wont last a week in kansas.
  • Current Music
    Vast - Pretty When You Cry
sqeez

(no subject)

i can't stand the waiting. not knowing. i want to call, no, i want to drive down. i need to know what's going on, but i'm afraid that if i push too much i'm going to be disappointed. maybe i'll be let down anyway, so it wouldn't matter if i went ahead and drove down.

i'm caught between having what i want and getting what i want. crap.

i miss the days when i didn't think about all this bullshit and we just went around having fun. what happened to that?

why can't i just take care of and appreciate something that i cherish so much? it's like i've got this terrible desire to try and make it better, when, really, it's the most wonderful thing i've ever experienced.
  • Current Music
    Dj Micro--Drugs