December 19th, 2001

sqeez

hello old friend

well, since insomnia and i are such good friends now, i figured lj and i could spend a little time together again. i added new pictures and a new color scheme to help me forget all of our struggles from the past. it didn't really help.

as usual, i'm pretty down in the dumps today. people say that's all i ever write about. well, if my depression annoys you so much, stop reading my page. i don't write for your entertainment.

i solved the rubik's cube today. but i'm not having much luck on a repeat performance. it's very frustrating. but challenges are fun. and, besides, i can't fucking sleep and this consumes a lot of time.

this is a very random update. i apologize. i know it's not much fun to read, but it's sort of halfway fun for me to write. more fun than playing snood anyway.

giftmas is only a week away. it sure doesn't feel like it. no snow yet. it's not even that cold. no tree. no decorations. and i already have all of my presents.

*sigh*

i'm a terribly boring girl, aren't i?

i want someone to schnuggle with at night. to hold and be held by. someone to tell me bedtime stories. to kiss me good morning. i don't even care if it's a boyfriend - i don't even care if it's a boy! i just don't want to be alone anymore.

it's a big empty bed. cold and lonely.
sqeez

mind numbing

over a year. what a drug out stop, huh. i'm shaking. probably because i am finally understanding what is going on. we don't get along. we don't treat each other the way we need to be treated. we can't change each other the way we had hoped. we can't tolerate physical interaction for more than a few hours.
no matter what we do, its under appreciated. i don't make you happy. and that damn sign compatability thing was right all along. i tried to look past all of that.
but it caught up. i wish i had more to say. i wish i could make it all right. but i can't. and i'm sorry i wasted your time. i'd love to remain friends. but it doesn't look like i'm good enough for that. reply if you'd like. best wishes.

...

he will be happier. his friends will be happier. it's better this way. i know that. it hurts a lot. but i'm glad he's finally figured it all out. this has been far too long in the making.

i'm happy that i knew him at all. that i got to share in a part of his life and watch him grow up. i learned a lot from him. about boys, about the world and about myself. it was never a waste of time.

i can't say that i've progressed at all, however. i learned a lot. but i know i'll make the same mistakes tomorrow. at least he has gained some knowledge from this. i know he'll be ok. but will i?