November 9th, 2001

sqeez

it pees when i burn

so i guess it's been a while since my last update. i've been away from my computer for a few days, but really i haven't felt like i had anything worth saying. i suppose i still don't have much news of note, but my personal page is down for the moment and i'm not sure if it will ever be resurrected. i figured i'd better get used to the idea of posting here on LJ instead of iPWiB. i don't even know why i bother linking to it.

i had a good talk with jessica a while ago. short and sweet. it made me happy to be able to say some things i've been to afraid to say, but it also made me sad to admit my insecurities. i'm such a dork. i guess in a way i'm sad that i consider her my friend. don't get me wrong, i'm really happy to have someone to talk to about anything and everything, but how pathetic is it that this girl i've never even met ranks on my top 3 friends list?

that probably makes me sound like a real bitch, which is fitting. because i am. i'm not ashamed of it. it's who i am and i'm ok with that. i just wish i wasn't also a person who needs to keep people close. anymore, being a bitch is just my excuse for pushing people away.

so in order to gain some balance and harmony in my life, i'm trying to adjust the boundaries of my personality (that sounds like some new-wave hippie bullshit when i read it back..). i'm attempting to analyze and adjust my behavior. i get the feeling that it's all just a big waste of time - that i'll never really change. but i think i have to try. people don't like me. hell, i don't like people. but i want to like and be liked by people. and i'm just going to have to find a happy medium.

i guess some of this need for change is coming from the book i'm reading - ayn rand's "the fountainhead." rand's main characters are always these noble men who don't fit into society because they neither need or want to. a lot of people are offended by those characters, but i really admire them. i don't aspire to be like them, however, because i know that i do need people. i need people to tell me they love me and to reassure me when i have doubts. i need people to tell me what i like is ok because they like it too. in my opinion, that makes me a very weak person. but at least i know that.
integral music

this is ponderous

this is ponderous, man
really ponderous

i had this dream
i went to work one day
and nobody remembered who i was
so i decided to take the day off

on my way out i run into my boss
and he says, "hey, you look familiar."
i said "thanks,
people tell me that a lot in these dreams."

then the horns kicked in
(doot doot do do doot)
and my shoes started to squeak
(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak)

then all of a sudden i'm standing on a beach
in some tropical part of the world
and there's a sign that says,
"aren't you supposed to be at work?"

(ah ha ha)
it sort of screamed out at me
(ahhhhhhh!!)

then i remembered
i've been here in other dreams
but usually there was a water polo game
and a girl who could talk with her eyes

and she'd say,
"can you see
what i'm saying?"

then the horns kicked in
(doot doot do do doot)
and my shoes started to squeak
(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak)

before i knew it i was walking near a lake
when a phone rings
and the operator speaks to me in a language
i don't understand

"boom popa chaka maka notoh sing cow
ding coppa lanna wanna gummo ching pow
heavy gobba loo-ah comma jen a-sing tee
boom maka chaka manau one is now free."

then the horns kicked in
(doot doot do do doot)
and my shoes started to squeak
(squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak)

before long
i was coming up on this really weird part of my dream
you know,
the part where i know how to tap dance
but i can only do while wearing golf shoes

now i'm back on the beach
walking with this girl who can talk with her eyes
this time she says,
"i think you see
what i'm saying."

then
just before i woke up
it started to rain
in southern california

boom popa chaka maka notoh sing cow
ding coppa lanna wanna gummo ching pow
heavy gobba loo-ah comma jen a-sing tee
boom maka chaka manau one is now free

the girl
who could talk with her eyes....

can you see
what i'm saying?

(ah ha ha ha!!)

this is ponderous man
really ponderous

ohhhhhhh....

squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak.......
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    2nu - This Is Ponderous
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