sat in the bath tub for a while today. tried to sweat the sickness out. i thought i was awake but maybe i was sleeping. i know no one was there but still i saw his face. he spoke to me but i could not hear him. lapping water and dripping faucets echoed in my head. too much like a movie, it must have been a dream. his eyes, like his ink, like my thoughts, green with envy. even without the sound, i heard what he said. and that feeling wells up inside of me. passion maybe. lust probaly. greed. hunger. power. yes, power too. it boils up from my stomach, leaking out through the arteries as it rises. but still it spills out from my eyes. a frantic flood of invisible bliss. of course i can't see my own eyes but i know now that this is how it feels. it being the thing they always try to describe but never seem to grasp. deep, they tell me. alive. beautiful too. but powerful i think. it's in these moments i know i can get what i want. and i do. i'm surprised that i believed him. i don't believe much of anyone about much of anything that matters to me anymore. but i could see that he meant it. at least he thought he did. and, well, i meant it too. it feels good to be amazed. satisfied. maybe he hasn't ruined me afterall.