so i'm in carmel. filling out my fafsa and my taxes. next year, i think i'm going to get certified or whatever so i an make a few bucks helping people out. this shit is so easy. i don't understand why people think it's so hard. i ever understood why people thought balancing checkbooks was difficult either. shit, i learned to do that crap in the 5th grade. people sure are stupid i guess.

so anyway i figured i'd go ahead and clear the air about me going to IU next year. to put it simply, i'm not. everyone just assumed i was when i moved to bloomington, but they were mistaken. i'm just trying to make a little money. and maybe hang out with some friends in the meantime. but when i get my parents paid back and some cash saved up, i'm blowing this popsicle stand. i haven't completely made my mind up where i'm going yet, but i can guarantee it won't be in indiana. actually, i have made up my mind. i'm just not going to tell any of you fools because you'll tell me i'm a moron. so fuck you.

it was weird coming home today. usually i get to i-465 and feel relieved, but today it just felt strange. i don't belong here anymore. and my room is still the same for the most part, but it's somehow unwelcoming. maybe i just feel that way because i walked into the door. i dunno.

it's funny, though, since i don't feel at all at home in bloomington. i mean, i still refer to it as "eli's room" but he hasn't lived there in months. now it's my room. but it isn't really. it's all his stuff. and all his friends' boob prints on the wall. hehe. oh well. i won't be there too much longer. just a couple of months maybe.

this is going to be a long entry. i apologize. i just don't get the chance to update all that often anymore. and besides, i'm kind of in a crappy mood at the moment i need to talk myself out of it.

my cousins cindy and dan called me up last night and wanted to hang out. but i'm not old enough to go bar hopping, so they said they'd meet up with me later. they never did, but that's ok. i was really nervous about hanging out with them or having to entertain them, so to speak. i shoulnd't have been nervous. they're two cool cats. i just really hate new situations. and i haven't seen them in years. i didn't know what to say to them. and aside from all that, i guess i'm still ashamed at where i am in my life right now. people say i shouldn't be. but i am anyway.

*sigh*

i'm just starting to realize that my parents are old. they're friends and siblings are all getting sick and dying. that's kinda scary. i've never thought about my parents dying before. well, i've thought about killing my mom once or twice, but i never really pondered what life would be like afterward. i used to imagine what life would be like had my parents gone to jail. that was sucky enough. but death is quite a bit more permanent.

well, that's enough bitching for now, i suppose. i'm sure i'll e back at this later.

much love, kids