it's like watching two trains collide while you're standing at the switch.
i'm always asking myself how many times must i fall down the same hill before i learn to look where i'm going? i thought i'd learn for sure this time. but here i am again. every synapse in my brain screams for me to stop, but i'm compelled to go running headlong again. despite every logical piece of thinking and every scrap of mounting evidence against it, this still feels like the only right decision i've ever made.
i have to wonder if this is simply my greatest ballet of self-destruction, though. because this time, well, this time is it. if it breaks again, i won't put the pieces back together. and, god knows, no one else will do it for me.
didn't i tell myself i would do this? it is a circular reeducation in the only lessons i've ever learned, the only lessons i never follow.
what am i doing?
this time, whatever i get, i deserve it. eyes wide open. walking on my own. no one to blame but myself.