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i wrote some things for myself yesterday, but i thought i'd share one line here. it seems an apt comparisson to the things i do. the choices i make.

it's like watching two trains collide while you're standing at the switch.

i'm always asking myself how many times must i fall down the same hill before i learn to look where i'm going? i thought i'd learn for sure this time. but here i am again. every synapse in my brain screams for me to stop, but i'm compelled to go running headlong again. despite every logical piece of thinking and every scrap of mounting evidence against it, this still feels like the only right decision i've ever made.

i have to wonder if this is simply my greatest ballet of self-destruction, though. because this time, well, this time is it. if it breaks again, i won't put the pieces back together. and, god knows, no one else will do it for me.

didn't i tell myself i would do this? it is a circular reeducation in the only lessons i've ever learned, the only lessons i never follow.

what am i doing?

this time, whatever i get, i deserve it. eyes wide open. walking on my own. no one to blame but myself.



( 6 comments — Say Something )
Nov. 8th, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)
my safety pin.
hey amanda. i don't know your situation. and of course i can't imagine exactly how you're feeling right now. BUT. here- unrequested advice from a nosy jerk off:

i can recall the first time that i fell off of my little, pink bicycle, with silver streamers, and training wheels... it hurt like a bitch. i was bruised, bloody, crying for help. i didn't get back on that monster for at least another month, and i was absolutely terrified when i finally gathered my courage, and saddled up for another try. i am sure that i must have fallen at least several more times after that (clumsy as i am), but i cannot recall those successive spills as vividly as my first.

amanda, i am sure it is true that the more we grow up, the further we have to fall. but while our reflexes may weaken, and our defenses may actually attack ourselves in a savage betrayal, ... while we may suffer- our shields of wisdom and experience tend to emerge more valiant than ever.

try to remember that you are not immuned to the billions of evolutionary processes which are in effect at this very moment. of course you've claimed witness to all of that which you can cognitively do in order to grow and evolve; but do not underestimate the saving grace of basic experience. i can't think of any devastation which injured or hindered me as badly the second time around- not even desire.
Nov. 8th, 2004 11:17 am (UTC)
Re: my safety pin.
also, i just really want to say this... you're a very intelligent woman, and i wish you'd give yourself a little more credit. i believe that you are more prepared than you'll acknowledge. i don't even know you ... at least not in all of the ways that i could ... but i have a great faith in you. that's all.
Nov. 8th, 2004 01:13 pm (UTC)
When I read your entry, I was prepared to write a very similar enry as melie's. I have only known you about a year, a good deal of which you kinda hated me, but now that we get along and talk and all... I see what a wonderful person you are and I've come to love you. You're truely amazing. And as for jumping back into the same situation that has hurt you so many times before... you know there are few better people to talk to ;) And it's scary, and I don't know if things will ever work out for the best when we do those kinds of things--in some ways what I live for is the hope that sometimes these repeat events will finally turn out the way we want because we want them so badly. Now, that being said... I have been reading about all of your reservations with this situation and my only hope is that these are the kinds of natural reservations we would all have in that position and not your wisdom foreshadowing events that, in your heart, you know are destined to occur. Please do have the strength to distinguish between the two. And in the end, if you've made the wrong decision, don't let that become evidence to yourself that you're trash, because you're not... I know for a fact that several of the people you have held dearest in your life have done the same thing and I'm sure that doesn't lessen your opinions of them. Don't sell yourself short.
Nov. 8th, 2004 01:22 pm (UTC)
I know this probably doesn't help your situation a whole hell of a lot, but hopefully my sincerity will mean something:
If at anytime you need someone, call me up and I will drive up to see you! I'll make you dinner or watch The 5th Element, or go get tanked at a bar with you, lay in bed with you... whatever! I don't want you to suffer needlessly and if there's ever anything I can do, don't hesitate!
Nov. 8th, 2004 04:14 pm (UTC)
"how many times must i fall down the same hill before i learn to look where i'm going?"
I thought about trying to write something worthwhile here, but is there anything you haven't heard already or that most people haven't heard or been told at one point or another?

We all do this. Whether it's just one aspect of our lives or with all aspects it seems most of us refuse to avoid it like we probably should at times.

I guess if it was so easy to get over things or move on or let go or to NOT expect the same results from something, that life would be a breeze and we all know that's not the case.

Keep your head up and I am here for you, always.
Nov. 8th, 2004 04:23 pm (UTC)
Re: "how many times must i fall down the same hill before i learn to look where i'm going?"
thanks, joshua.
( 6 comments — Say Something )

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