sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

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sleep to dream

this insomnia bullshit is killing me. it's bad enough that i have to deal with being sleepy while i'm awake and being awake when i want to sleep, but it's also leaving me with far too much time on my hands.

so what have i been doing with myself?

i made some terrible mixed cds for jessica and then made some hideous covers to go with them. i cleaned my room and then i made a mess of it again while looking for my goggles. i constructed a foam animal zoo. wrote letters to the kansas crew. updated my address book. did my laundry. sorted my clothes for goodwill and consignment. i watched mary poppins. made a list of all the things i want but can't afford.

i haven't packed for bloomington yet.

i've had a lot of time to think. i tried to keep busy, so i wouldn't figure out what awful shape my life is in right now. but, of course, it's all caught up to me now.

i want to move. i want to get away from my mom. to get a job. to see non-family members on a daily basis.

but i don't want to move. i don't want to live in the crackhouse. i don't want to have to spend all of my money on food and rent. i don't want to have to deal with people's bullshit drama every goddamn day.

i'm whining. i know. i don't have anyone to talk to right now, though, so i have to vent somewhere. i tried talking to my dad about all of this, but we kept coming back to how he wants back all of the money i owe him and how i really shouldn't feel pressured into repaying him. how can i not? he won't shut up about it.

and now he's trying to loan me money to get started in bloomington. what's the damn point? i'm just going to have to give it all back in February! i'd rather fucking starve than feel even more in debt to him. christ. that's horrible. but it's true. i felt terrible about the money my parents loaned me back when they said it was no big deal. and now they need it back. no pressure... whatever.

and i start my new job Monday. i'm not really all that nervous about it at the moment, but i know i will be come 4.30. i think i'd suck at this shit anyway, but it's even more intimidating with my brother as the stupid sale rep of the quarter. there's no fucking way i can compare to that. maybe i'll switch to the morning shift so i won't actually have to work with him or the rest of the gang.

i can't decided if i should get another job or not. i know i need the money. but i probably don't need the stress. but, having to work would alleviate the stress of having to be social. yeah... i should definitely get another job.

well, that's all the bitching i'll do for now. i may update again before i head out tomorrow, but i dunno. i doubt that i'll be updating much from btown, since i won't have my computer handy. updating in libraries or on other people's computers is just so uncomfortable for me. ack, well, you won't be missing much anyway, i'm sure.

send me some email if you want. i should respond to that in a somewhat-timely manner. that is, if i don't accidentally delete it along with all my junk mail.

that's all for now, kids. take care of yourselves.

much love always.

ahm
Tags: anxiety, bloomington, dad, insomnia, mail, mom, money
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