sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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just another verse in the endless hymn of him

i made the first step down a long road yesterday (preceded by a few baby steps in the last couple of weeks). it is going to be a very painful journey, but one i feel i must make. and the sooner i do it, the better.

i was explaining to a friend (an ex) recently that the only way for anyone to really hurt me was was for them to cut me out of their lives. i'm really big on forgiveness, so all the small stuff fades pretty quickly. i learn my lessons about how people will treat me in certain situations and move on. life is too short to be dwelling on every bad joke or judgment.

but then there are those people who refuse to deal with me in any way whatsoever--people i love who just don't want me in their lives. that's what hurts. everyday. deeper cuts. more tears. nightmares. that's when i dwell. that's when i can't forgive myself for the mistakes i've made.

and then i realized... i had become the kind of person that i know hurts people (like me) the most. i have no idea if it bothers him the way it bothers me, but i do know it was pushing him to want me out of his life and that is something i would be sorry for later, when i finally came to my senses.

i wanted to hurt him, to even things out. i was reveling in the act. everyone does it, i think, to some extent. but i never wanted to do it.

and, now, here i am figuring all of this out, sorry for what i've done and indebted to him in my mind. i can see now that i will do it all over again with him if i'm not careful. it doesn't even feel like love/desire anymore, though. it's like a wish to pay penance for my greatest sin to date. guilt is such a powerful force in my life, you'd think i was catholic.

so, anyway, i'm trying to make things right. i'm trying apologize to him with out completely supplicating myself to him. i'm trying to treat him as i want to be treated and not as though i still want him to suffer. but it's difficult. i'm still so hurt but what he did. i'm still angry. and a pretty good chunk of me still wants to hurt him, even though my brain knows that's not the kind of person i want to be. so, it's a struggle with myself to embody my ideals.

and then there are those walls. walls just for him. the tallest and the thickest i've ever erected. they have to come down someday. i know that. but, at the moment, i am terrified of both the process and conclusion. i can't look at his face. i tried it once and nearly lost it. so, we can forget eye contact. and there will certainly be no hugs or handshakes for a long time to come.

i know that i still love him.
but i obviously haven't forgiven him.
i worry that i never will.
because i don't want to be that kind of person.
but it still hurts today like it hurt last year.
and what if that never changes?

i'm pushing myself toward something i'm not ready for, because i don't think i will ever be ready. i wonder if it works like that.

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