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hooked on a feeling

i must be violating a hundred rules by writing about this here and now for him to see. but i have to talk about it. i need to talk about it. and it hardly seems fair to withhold the knowledge of my happiness from the one who bestowed it upon me. so, if he never calls again, that's what i get for breaking the rules. i like my life of open honesty and i refuse to play those games. fuck the consequences.

my whole day had already been a surreal movie of life (as opposed to the real thing). somehow, that ridiculously analytical part of my brain shut off and i stopped thinking about every little thing. i just sat back and watched myself play the part of happy young woman.

so when he called, it wasn't the typical me that answered. and it certainly wasn't the typical me that agreed to the adventure. it wasn't a whim. it wasn't an inability to say no. it was something to do with someone i like. it was what normal people do every day.

he offered to pick me up and i knew this was the right decision. i left myself no option to revert back that other me. i would be stranded there at his mercy. i would be forced to enjoy what there was to enjoy, with no option to run in fear. i may not have really liked my life as it was, but i was definitely comfortable with it. and comfort is hard thing to let go of.

i don't know what i expected. i honestly think i didn't expect anything. we hadn't talked in months. we'd only met twice before. there wasn't a lot to go on. besides, normal people don't run through every scenario and determine probabilities. they go. they have fun. they live. so that's just what i did.

he took my hand to lead me on a tour of his apartment. i'm not sure if i find that romantic or anything, but it's an intimate gesture--like using people's names when you talk to them in conversation. the act doesn't have to mean anything, per se, but it adds a new level of connection and importance to the situation. besides, do you know how long it had been since i'd even touched another human being on purpose? a month. this wasn't something that bothered me, or even crossed my mind, until i realized how much i liked being touched by him. it's like i suddenly remembered that there were good people in the world too and not just these sleazy, drunken assholes of my recent social encounters.

it's obvious, but i just now came to see that all the things i do to keep the bad people at bay prevent the good ones from getting near (or staying close) as well.

but there, in his rooms and his hallways, it just felt good to hold hands. and on his couch it just felt good to schnuggle. so close i felt the heat of his body and heard the beats of his heart. i watched his chest rise and fall as each breath wafted over me. it felt good to hear him laugh and actually listen to what he was saying.

i've been living my life in this bubble. teachers, classmates, waitresses, cashiers--none of them phase me. they don't touch me. i can barely see or hear them. they're unremarkable. they all just blend into this seamless blur of disposable interactions.

but here is a night i will remember.

and, jesus, the sleep. the sweet release and total stillness! even my space-age swedish sleep technology can't hold a candle to that. i will never get used to sleeping alone, and especially not after nights like these. and, anyway, i don't really want to. i'm ready to share my bed again.

and i'm ready to share my life again, to be a part of the world around me again.

bubble burst... amanda!

yeah, i'll get burned. it's inevitable. but i'll enjoy myself in the meantime.

Comments

( 15 comments — Say Something )
juniper_praska
Oct. 2nd, 2004 11:09 am (UTC)
I'm not quite sure who or what you're talking about, but I'm in a mood where I'm happy for you, and I'm happy for the world, and I'm happy for me, and I love when things are beautiful. Congratulations; it sounds like a wonderful night.
shakewell
Oct. 2nd, 2004 11:20 am (UTC)
thank you
thing are beautiful and i'm so glad that you can see that too! i'm really happy for just about everything these days and i'm loving it!
surjay
Oct. 2nd, 2004 12:49 pm (UTC)
That hand holding will do it every time.
dawgdayz
Oct. 2nd, 2004 08:24 pm (UTC)
jealousy is bad for the soul
i REFUSE to be jealous
but i loved reading your entry

good for you and who cares what happens in the end . . .

soak it up
shakewell
Oct. 3rd, 2004 12:50 am (UTC)
Re: jealousy IS bad for the soul
i'm glad you're not jealous and that you enjoyed reading this. that's exactly why i wanted to share it with my friends.
kradams
Oct. 3rd, 2004 08:14 am (UTC)
Is it about who i think it's about?
shakewell
Oct. 3rd, 2004 08:24 am (UTC)
no.
but who did you think?
kradams
Oct. 3rd, 2004 04:39 pm (UTC)
I was thinking joe.
Forgive me if that was the wrong answer...No offense!!
i didn't know if you two make ammends or what not.
shakewell
Oct. 3rd, 2004 09:02 pm (UTC)
ha!
what on earth gave you that idea?

i mean, jo3 can't even stand to see my name on his icq list or walk out to my car to give back the furniture he stole from me.

i'm all for dumping the drama, but i could never get back with jo3 after he lied to me like that. i guess that makes me a bad person, but there are just somethings i cannot forgive.
beatfreak
Oct. 4th, 2004 05:39 am (UTC)
Aw jeez...
... still very jealous! ;)
kradams
Oct. 4th, 2004 07:09 am (UTC)
thats why i said to not take offense to who i thought it was. You could imagine my suprise to read that entry and think it was joe. I was getting ready to ask you if you were out of your mind, and that's why i wanted to ask before i became so shocked! haha
shakewell
Oct. 4th, 2004 10:06 am (UTC)
yeah if that ever happens
i not only give you permission
but i demand
that you come over here and knock some fucking sense into me
kradams
Oct. 4th, 2004 07:10 am (UTC)
On a different note...i'm glad that someone has put you at peace of mind even if it was momentarily
shakewell
Oct. 4th, 2004 10:07 am (UTC)
ahh me too
i wish that andy still made you as happy as he used to do
i know that sometimes he must
or you wouldn't still be with him
but i hate to hear about all the other junk he does
that annoys you and pisses you off

do you think he'll ever change?
or do you think you'll ever get used to it?
kradams
Oct. 7th, 2004 09:42 am (UTC)
well i guess those are the two options i much choose from.
IF he doesn't change eventually i'm gonna have to move on! But he is getting better, or maybe i am just getting used to it. It's weird and hard to tell, but at the same time i can't see myself without him. I have this weird dependency on him that drawls me to him and can't even explain why.
Gotta go i'm at andy's parent's house and i think their neighbores are getting robbed.SHIT!!
( 15 comments — Say Something )

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