i wonder if the babies of my friends are really the first beautiful babies i've ever encountered, or if i just didn't have my eyes open before last year. i think, perhaps, the latter.
catching up with kat and thur felt really good. i learned a lot of new things about kat and, for once, i am glad that i give people second chances. i look forward to watching their little family grow and learn as they explore this new path in life.
as for me, baby fever has yet to set in again. or maybe it has taken a new form this time around. i still desire to start a family, but i know that now is not my time.
i was thinking, today, about what would have happened if jo3 had gotten me pregnant. if he felt trapped before, i can't imagine how he would have hurt me in that situation.
he told me recently, that he lied to me to protect himself from being trapped. i don't get it. all he had to do was walk away, but, instead, he broke my heart. people and their lies... don't they see that there's no reason for it all?
i wouldn't have held it against him if he didn't think he'd ever marry me. we're not all the marrying type. and i don't think he could have been upset with me if i couldn't stay with a man who wouldn't give me things i needed. even amidst the passion of emotion, there's room for sensible logic.
but instead he informed me that we'd been living a lie. that everything i thought was certain truth was, in fact, the exact opposite. he implied that i was his fool. all the things with any importance to me were a sham.
in one fell swoop, he brought down my whole world and turned it on it's head.
and for what? for protection. from what? from a choice--his choice.
i will never understand it. but i need to make sense of it. of him. of people. i wonder how he saw things then and how he sees them now.
i wonder how than can live with the things they do to people in the name of self-interest. no one is impeding on their lives in such a way that they cannot overcome the obstacles with non-violence.
non-violence. it's funny that i should use that word for this situation. i think the most violent thing one man can do to another is to toy with his mind. the body can heal or it dies. and i think, perhaps, the mind lives on. somehow. and what a shame it is that it should go limping throughout eternity.
every love i will ever know will be tainted from that one little lie. no trust will be certain. no faith unshaken.
all in the name of space he can't bear.