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lingering delusions of normality

i took down my page on iPWiB. and i hadn't really planned on using lj anymore. but i'm bored and i feel like bitching. so here it is.

i'd resolved to lose weight this year, not because i was particularly unhappy with my looks or fitness really, but because being anorexic seemed like a good excuse to be sad and unhealthy.

but today i put on my bathing suit.

and now i am very unhappy with my body.

i have back fat for chrissakes! i weigh 120 lbs. and i have back fat. i mean, come on! and my thighs... they're huge. i used to be ok with that, because my legs were strong as hell. but now i'm just weak and flabby.

my waist is what really disgusts me. i think a nice hourglass waist is just about the hottest thing on a femme. i read a theory once that men are really just attracted to women by their hip-to-waist ratio. one-to-one isn't really cuttin' it for me.

and how the fuck did i end up with stretch marks?! i always thought i had a great body, but apparently i was just fat and didn't know it. fucking hell.

so tomorrow i'll hit the water and one-a-days and maybe i'll even hit the bricks and start running again if i can find some place that isn't iced over.

sit-ups, here i come.

Comments

( 7 comments — Say Something )
heartspumpdust
Jan. 8th, 2002 02:48 am (UTC)
this makes me sick
that you are being
so hard on yourself.
--
you sound like one
of those annoying
girls in school.
you're better than
all this.
shakewell
Jan. 8th, 2002 12:49 pm (UTC)
perhaps perhaps perhaps
i suppose i do sound like one of those superficial bitches at school
but only partially
at least i'm not saying "johnny won't even talk to me unless i drop 30 lbs and add 2 cup sizes."
or "do you think i'm fat?"

i just don't like the way i look
not because anyone told me i was fat or ugly or anything
but because i find it unattractive
and that's my right

so yeah, i'm superficial and shallow
but so is everyone else
at least i know it
at least i admit it
jo3
Jan. 8th, 2002 05:55 pm (UTC)
let's break out the linolieum

and learn how to break dance together
shakewell
Jan. 8th, 2002 06:39 pm (UTC)
let's not
i can't even regular dance.
phaedros
Jan. 8th, 2002 10:21 pm (UTC)
i like your bod better than mine...grr!
jo3
Jan. 9th, 2002 06:41 am (UTC)
Re: let's not
shit!
neither can i.
klbradley
Jan. 14th, 2002 01:20 pm (UTC)
Re: let's not
Man, have either of you seen ME dance?
( 7 comments — Say Something )

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