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lingering delusions of normality

i took down my page on iPWiB. and i hadn't really planned on using lj anymore. but i'm bored and i feel like bitching. so here it is.

i'd resolved to lose weight this year, not because i was particularly unhappy with my looks or fitness really, but because being anorexic seemed like a good excuse to be sad and unhealthy.

but today i put on my bathing suit.

and now i am very unhappy with my body.

i have back fat for chrissakes! i weigh 120 lbs. and i have back fat. i mean, come on! and my thighs... they're huge. i used to be ok with that, because my legs were strong as hell. but now i'm just weak and flabby.

my waist is what really disgusts me. i think a nice hourglass waist is just about the hottest thing on a femme. i read a theory once that men are really just attracted to women by their hip-to-waist ratio. one-to-one isn't really cuttin' it for me.

and how the fuck did i end up with stretch marks?! i always thought i had a great body, but apparently i was just fat and didn't know it. fucking hell.

so tomorrow i'll hit the water and one-a-days and maybe i'll even hit the bricks and start running again if i can find some place that isn't iced over.

sit-ups, here i come.


( 7 comments — Say Something )
Jan. 8th, 2002 02:48 am (UTC)
this makes me sick
that you are being
so hard on yourself.
you sound like one
of those annoying
girls in school.
you're better than
all this.
Jan. 8th, 2002 12:49 pm (UTC)
perhaps perhaps perhaps
i suppose i do sound like one of those superficial bitches at school
but only partially
at least i'm not saying "johnny won't even talk to me unless i drop 30 lbs and add 2 cup sizes."
or "do you think i'm fat?"

i just don't like the way i look
not because anyone told me i was fat or ugly or anything
but because i find it unattractive
and that's my right

so yeah, i'm superficial and shallow
but so is everyone else
at least i know it
at least i admit it
Jan. 8th, 2002 05:55 pm (UTC)
let's break out the linolieum

and learn how to break dance together
Jan. 8th, 2002 06:39 pm (UTC)
let's not
i can't even regular dance.
Jan. 8th, 2002 10:21 pm (UTC)
i like your bod better than mine...grr!
Jan. 9th, 2002 06:41 am (UTC)
Re: let's not
neither can i.
Jan. 14th, 2002 01:20 pm (UTC)
Re: let's not
Man, have either of you seen ME dance?
( 7 comments — Say Something )

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