sWell (shakewell) wrote,

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polyamorous (loving more than one)

my brother and i were discussing the complexities of polyamorous relationships the other night. we both seem to be in these monogamous and though unofficially committed relationships at the moment. he just hates to think of what he's missing out on. i hate to put it that way, but maybe that's how i feel too.

i know that i act differently when i'm in a relationship where we've both implicitly vowed monogamy. i get jealous in an insecure way. i feign happiness for their happiness. in general, i start living my life for the fulfillment of their goals instead of my own.

i don't know why i do it. no one's ever asked me to. (and that's what makes it so deplorable.)

i've watched my brother push girls' buttons just because they've placed restraints on him which he doesn't feel they had any right to. i don't think i do that. but, in reaction to those same types of limitations, i find myself manipulating people emotionally.

there. i said it. i do try to manipulate people.

however! i am rarely successful, as i am far to subtle for the callous jerks of this world.

in retrospect, i should stop saying "anything to make you happy, dear" and start owning up to what i'm really feeling.

the big question raised in my discussion with my brother was "sure i can deal with loving more than one person, but can i deal with those people loving someone else in addition to me?"

i'm so used to loving people who don't, in fact, love me at all, that i think i could definitely deal with that these days.

ugh. and that's not to say i'm not loved. i am and i know i am.

so, would i be jealous? probably. i am always jealous of the time my friends spend with each other and without me. but it wouldn't be that insecure jealousy where i'd be left wondering where they're at and who they're with. everything would be honest and open. and, since i wouldn't be feeding off of any deceit, i doubt i'd act out in all those stupid ways i do (we all do) and end up hurting the relationship. i'd hope all i'd have to do would be to say "i'm lonely" or "i miss you" and things would right themselves.

writing all this now, i realize how good i have it with stewbot. he is all the things i say i am wanting.

so why, then, do i feel like i am left wanting more?

i can't figure it out. maybe i do think i will be missing out on something better if i deny myself the opportunity to look for it. but that sounds awful. am i that terrible? am i that selfish?

is that terrible? aren't i allowed to be selfish in finding what it is that makes me happy?

and here is the universal problem of my happiness. i will always feel guilty for choosing my own happiness over someone else's whom i love. (i apologize for my poor grammar there. i hope my point muddled through.)

and why am i unhappy if i seem to have nearly everything i want in a relationship? because i don't want to be told i'm not allowed to look for or have more.

it's not about sex. (sex can be very beautiful with someone you love, but it doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with love at all.) it's not about cheating on anyone. it's about my time and who i choose to spend it with. it's about how i've never promised to be faithful to anyone, but i'm always accused of cheating.

i wear tank-tops because it's sweltering outside, not because i'm trying to show off for guys. i give back rubs because i like to make people feel good, not because i'm trying to get into bed with them.

despite my almost entirely monogamous track record, i'm actually not at all concerned with it. i'm down with total honesty. back rubs, kisses, holding hands, sex don't all have to mean pure love. they just mean feeling good in the moment to me and i don't want to deny anyone i know the opportunity to enjoy themselves.

it's like how i wasn't even mad (or surprised) that jo3 cheated on me while i was at school, but it absolutely killed me that he denied it when i obviously knew the truth. if he couldn't be honest then (when there was no escaping the truth), how could i trust him to ever be honest with me?

so, fuck it. i don't know what i want. apparently i have what i want, yet i am still unhappy.

aye, there's the rub.

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