sWell (shakewell) wrote,
sWell
shakewell

she's got the blues bad, baby

phase two of the painting of the apartment has started. after this weekend, i hope to be finished with both the living room and the kitchen.

it's good to be home.

XXX
hulk slater hogan
saturday night is still up in the air. i'm both dreading and anticipating the event. i mean, i just want to dance. (but not alone.)

XXX
top speed dragster
cedar point trip next saturday (14th). good times i hope. don't know who's going for sure. don't care. i'm over making plans with you douche bags!

XXX
western civilization
i wish i believed that failure was not an option.

XXX

why is it that the things i think i want more than any other things in the world are the only things i don't allow myself to attain or enjoy. what IS my fucking problem?

spooge seems to be having the same issues and he claims that most people our age are too. i see it in him, but not in many others. perhaps it was in jo3 (or perhaps he is just a piece of shit).

i am actually terrified of success. and not outrageous, filthy rich type of success, just normal surviving life kind of success. some part of me just refuses to move forward. and despite all the conversations that take place in my head, not logic moves me to change my mind.

i am stuck in neutral on this gradual hill of young adulthood. it's only a matter of time before i'm careening back down the hill in reverse.

or maybe not. i just need to stop thinking. joe, ben, jess, phil, amber, keri, etc have absolutely no qualms about their shit-tastic lives. (not to say their entire lives are terrible, but certainly they have major shortcomings that they don't stress over.)

i've said before that i wish i could learn to stop worrying about things like those people do, but i can't seem to do it. and, honestly, i don't think i really want to. i don't want to settle for less that i deserve or less than i am able to attain.

still, i do envy their oblivious happiness.
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