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she's got the blues bad, baby

phase two of the painting of the apartment has started. after this weekend, i hope to be finished with both the living room and the kitchen.

it's good to be home.

hulk slater hogan
saturday night is still up in the air. i'm both dreading and anticipating the event. i mean, i just want to dance. (but not alone.)

top speed dragster
cedar point trip next saturday (14th). good times i hope. don't know who's going for sure. don't care. i'm over making plans with you douche bags!

western civilization
i wish i believed that failure was not an option.


why is it that the things i think i want more than any other things in the world are the only things i don't allow myself to attain or enjoy. what IS my fucking problem?

spooge seems to be having the same issues and he claims that most people our age are too. i see it in him, but not in many others. perhaps it was in jo3 (or perhaps he is just a piece of shit).

i am actually terrified of success. and not outrageous, filthy rich type of success, just normal surviving life kind of success. some part of me just refuses to move forward. and despite all the conversations that take place in my head, not logic moves me to change my mind.

i am stuck in neutral on this gradual hill of young adulthood. it's only a matter of time before i'm careening back down the hill in reverse.

or maybe not. i just need to stop thinking. joe, ben, jess, phil, amber, keri, etc have absolutely no qualms about their shit-tastic lives. (not to say their entire lives are terrible, but certainly they have major shortcomings that they don't stress over.)

i've said before that i wish i could learn to stop worrying about things like those people do, but i can't seem to do it. and, honestly, i don't think i really want to. i don't want to settle for less that i deserve or less than i am able to attain.

still, i do envy their oblivious happiness.


( 9 comments — Say Something )
Aug. 6th, 2004 09:19 am (UTC)
i know how you feel, i always feel like everyone else is going to move on and im going to be stuck here forever. it scares the shit out of me
Aug. 6th, 2004 10:12 am (UTC)
I am absolutely down for a Cedar Point trip.
I mean, transportation's going to be a problem but I'd love to go.
I'll talk with Spoogey and see what's up.
Aug. 7th, 2004 07:08 am (UTC)
transportation = no problemo!
we're planning on taking the altima. if more people go, maybe stew can drive or i guess we could take the truck too. heh. i dunno, but we'll make it work!
Aug. 7th, 2004 07:10 am (UTC)
Re: transportation = no problemo!
What's the plan? Drive up the night before and get a hotel, drive up the day of and get a hotel that night or no hotel at all?
Regardless, I'm totally down.
Aug. 7th, 2004 08:45 am (UTC)
no plan
i have to work saturday morning. so, depending on how many cars are necessary at least some of us will have to drive up saturday morning. i'm down for a hotel that night, but i'm certainly not going to front all the cash!
Aug. 6th, 2004 10:27 am (UTC)
"i am actually terrified of success. and not outrageous, filthy rich type of success, just normal surviving life kind of success. "

what do you define success as? some people may think that i'm succcessful (good job, got the hell out of indiana), but deep inside i don't really think i have accomplished anything. maybe it's because once i accomplished one thing, there seemed to be even more humps that i needed to get over.
Aug. 7th, 2004 07:04 am (UTC)
i'd say you're successful.
you're done with school and have a career.

i'm sure my terms for success will change once (if i ever) i get out of college.

but really i guess i just think of success as not coping out of or failing at the things you attempt. i keep withdrawing from school and i keep losing touch with really good friends. i have these good things going on in my life but i'm afraid to follow through with them. maybe because i'm even more terrified of what comes next.
Aug. 6th, 2004 12:19 pm (UTC)
I want a full report on Top Speed Dragster.
Aug. 7th, 2004 07:05 am (UTC)
assuming it's working
and the line isn't too long.

i know it's going to be awesome if we get a chance to ride it.
( 9 comments — Say Something )

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