this damned july heat hangs heavy like honey on christmas. i'm sick of sticky sweat and fucking flyaways. i'm in a mood for poetic prose, but i still have nothing to say. untrue. i have a lot to say, but we're all sick of hearing it. it's all about him. or them in general. it's not so much repetition of the same sad song, but remixes of the same tired themes. i need sleep like you wouldn't fucking believe, but there's not time. gotta eat, gotta go, gotta jet, gotta run. god i gotta get outta this place. the paint in the apartment is so much better than i had hoped it would be. home. it really is home now. even after he left, something wasn't right. i had to purge his remaining possessions, cover the scars on the walls and my heart. only two things remain. remove them and i'll finally be free of that burden once and for all. will it be better to forget? will i fall prey to the same mistakes if i don't remember? who's to say. i feel good now. strong. proud. independent. loved. appreciated. so who do i thank for that? in a way i guess it's thanks to him. ("thanks for destroying my life, douche bag.") i'd hardly say i owe him.
how is it every time i say i'm not going to talk about that, i end up talking about it? bah!
many birthdays looming. wish i had more time. more money. i've got all the love in the world, but i just can't seem to show it. so misunderstood. it boggles me. i really have no idea what i do wrong. i mean, i understand what things people get upset about, but i don't understand why. blah, blah, blah. i'm making new friends, but i don't have the time. they'll fade soon. and i'm sorry for that. old friends are on hold too. it's terrible. but they understand. and there's one friend i just can't seem to forgive. i'm so fucking stubborn. i just feel so betrayed. violated. and i'm sure he can't understand why. maybe four years and another funeral later we'll try again.
anyone want to go out for chinese sometime soon? i'm DYING to have some god damned general tso's chicken.